Some thief stole my heart

It's been so long since I've seen your face or even felt like a part of the human race. A man needs something to hold on to, a life of regret or a woman like you. Life goes on but it gets so heavy. I look up at the Moon and ask, how did I come to this? I've dreamed myself a thousand times around the world but I can't get out of this place. 

 

“I get that you wish that it was different and pray to god almost every night. I know it seems he doesn't listen but you must keep the hope that he might. So take what you can from your dreams; make them as real as anything” the moon replied. 

 

“But I’ve taken a dive on a smoky set of lies.” I said, continuing “ I’ve been so deceived that sympathy has become my best disguise. I bleed on the side. It’s a part time thing; a private affair. I wish someone would come pick me up from the night, from the hands of the dark. The things I know would simply break your heart. I've spent years in this room, lined and shattered in the glass, I held it up to myself till I just couldn't stand. I’ve spent half of my life on the floor bleeding out from all these wounds. I’m hardly feeling human anymore. So don’t ask me where I’ve been cause you don’t want to know….”  

 

“Craig” the moon replied “you must not forget that between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most love is lost. When thinking about life I ask you to remember that no amount of guilt can solve the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.”. 

I love you more than the stars in the sky, but your name escapes me tonight. Maybe we haven’t met yet, or maybe our paths will never cross. So still I wait, with a hole inside of me, but I refuse to fill it with your games. I hope social media can fill the hole inside your soul. 

 

Moon, If she asks why, tell her some thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.

Here's looking at you kid...

I have late night conversations w the moon. He tells me about the sun. I tell him about you. 

 

Last night I told him that I've run so far that I've lost myself; there are things I have seen that I never will tell. It drove me out of mind and inside myself, but I never will forget you, my American love; I'll always remember you as beautiful as they come, tho if saw you I'd pretend not to know.

 

I picture her dancing by the water beneath the Mexican sky,  listening to the mariachi play at midnight, then drinking margaritas, watching the sunrise. I'd pay any price, bear any burden, to be there too, but every ticket cost the same to where I can't go. 

 

And if I thought it would help I would carve her name into my heart, but she is now of my existence, a part of that which still remains. And she’s lingering like fingered strings, I seem to call on to feel the pain. I beg the book to turn the page bc I get suck where the villains get away. Somewhere in this wretched tale there must be a line where the victim gets his way. Just one time. I can only pray that I get mine bc one by one and day by day I become the darkness in the place we used to live.  

 

The moon just shrugged and told me to hold on bc the space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.

 

"How can you be so sure?" I asked "I feel like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life.  I see her when I close my eyes. I'm just trying to understand why everything I touch surely dies. Now I only see her when I fall sleep. Never to touch, and never to keep bc she ran from me like a vampire from a 1000 burning suns. She ran away, and the things once in order now seem so strange. Once I could tell all of the hurt apart from myself, but now all I see is the hurt. 

 

"That's all you see now", the moon said, "but don't let the night become the day. Don't take the darkness to the grave. I know pain is just a place where it feels like your will has been broken, but don't let the fear become the hate, don't take the sadness to the grave.".  

 

I understand, I said, but most of this life's been a drag of a high and lows like a blow in a paid thrown title fight. My love seems to go from a dream to a crash and a roll just shaking up everyone. Then she texts me from the cold, just when I was low and feeling short of stable. All that she intends, and all she keeps inside, isn't on the label. I think she wants to take me for awhile, be my friend, forget the past, but maybe I'm not able? Will we ever be again? Problem is I never really know a killer from a savior and I wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then bc eventually all my love turns into blood on stray paper. 

 

 "There will be time to crack another smile, maybe not today or for awhile, but we hold on to laugh again someday". The moon said.

 

“Do think I'm crazy?’ I asked rhetorically . "Sorry doc but I been crazy. There's no way that you can save me. I loved her like her fire till it drove me insane. I need an interventionist to intervene between me and this monster and save me from myself and all this conflict cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it. Seems we're all ok, until the day we're not. The surface shines while the inside rots. You know what?  Just let me forget about today until tomorrow” I said “because I’d trade all my tomorrows for one single yesterday. Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, i believe in yesterday." I tailed off...

 

“Nine planets around the sun. Only one does the sun embrace. Upon this watered one there is so much you take for granted.” The moon said,  “so instead of taking things for granted, if given the chance what would you say”

 

Memories, like fingerprints, I felt them slowly raising. 

 

"The seas are full of water that stops by the shore. Just like the riches of love that never reach the poor. But I have no more blood to bleed, 'cause my heart has been drained into the sea" I said. 

Pausing for a moment, a deafening silence fell upon us.  Realizing I hadn't answered the question, I gathered my thoughts, looked up at the moon and continued "I guess I'd start by asking did you sleep last night? And do you remember dreams? Do I ever cross your mind; do you ever think of me? I had a dream about you last night and I could barely see your form,  but I met you bw the wax and the needle in the words of my favorite song. Your blonde hair was like threads of gold, with your tan skin on the beach, your backdrop were the auroras and my sidekick was all this grief. Come see, I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles. I was fortunately desperate and turbulently innocent , I was living underneath my body weight. I was crazy like the moon for you. Head over my heels for you. Never would I change or compromise. But something in my mind does things I can't contain for anything. Last night I don't think sleep even touched my eyes. I feel like I've lived a lifetime without you, have you ended up somebody's angel? I'm no angel but I got nothing to hide. Can you say the same thing for yourself tonight? From the very first time I set my eyes on you girl, my heart said follow through.  

In a noisy bar in Avalon I tried to call you, but on a midnight watch I realized why twice you ran away. I think about how many times I have fallen, but mostly I remember how time stopped when I saw you standing there. I could barely breathe.  Please stay the same, don't ever change, bc I'd miss your Bette Davis eyes and the way you look in that dress. You're an essay in glamour, please pardon the grammar, but you're every school boys dream. To this day, I can still recall the hour when you first let down your walls. I thought I might have died right there floating up above it all, but it scared you love to need someone so you killed it all instead.

 

What you didn’t know is I don't wanna take what you can't give. I would rather starve than eat your bread. Maybe you needed a change. Maybe I was in the way, but there will always be a soft spot for you in my cardiac arrest. I brought down the sky for you, but all you did was shrug. You give my emptiness a name, so now I dance w your ghost, but that ain't the way, I can't move on and I can't stay the same. 

 

Still I age by years at the mention of your name. I am a lucky man to recognize your grace, but I need your grace to remind me to find my own. So with this pen, I thee wed, my heart to your distress bc you never ended up coming home, you just became something like some smoke that I tried too hard to hold. 

 

All I want is to wake up where you are bc this life is only chains; nothing like the colors of my dreams. I guess boys will be boys and girls have those eyes that'll cut you to ribbons sometimes. And all I can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if it's what she says I oughta do

 

After a long pause the moon looked at me and said “Like seed, love needs water before it grows out of the ground. But it just keeps on getting hotter and your hunger more profound. Well, I know there can come tears from your eyes. But they may as well be in vain. Even though I know these tears come with pain. Even so and just the same. Make it rain.”

To be continued....

Under the same moon

Hello darkness my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again. In these restless dreams I walk alone, cause I’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies. You know Moon, there was a time I felt that if I stretched out my hands, I was convinced I could conjure angels, yeah, I was pretty sure I was bulletproof. Ya know, living would be easy if we never had to bleed. Life has left me blindly here to stand and still not sleeping. My weariness amazes me, I’m leveled on my feet and have no one to meet cause the lights in this town, they don’t brighten up anything. I know there is someone out there feeling just like I feel and I know they’re waiting up, I know they’re waiting to heal. We've been holding our breath for too many years to count. It feels like we’ve waited for sirens that never come, and now I only write by the moon to try and ease the loss and all these nights I’ve missed you. These pages plead forgiveness.

In the cold night the Moon reminded me “Craig, broken crayons still color but these mountains you’re carrying, you were only supposed to climb.”.

"But what can I keep to myself, if I tell you my hell? What would be left to take to my grave?" I asked, continuing "Do you want me to tell you how some thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind? Moon, I swear my love was an arsonist; her eyes deep set in avarice. Red lips like a tomb I could never get out of. I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my first wife; everybody leaves and I’d expect this much from you. I had a dream about my whole life, and everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn’t you? There’s a hole in me now, like the windshield was taken out. I know everybody is hurt, and mine ain’t the worst, but it’s mine and I am feeling it now. I am trying to learn to live with it until I am free from this shadow that hangs….surely you wonder sometimes? Surely you can sympathize? I met a girl with a taste for the world but I could never get her to believe.

“The music goes on Craig, it's simply that when you’re happy you enjoy the music but when you’re crushed you understand the lyrics.” the moon explained.

How much time do you think that we have? If I wanted to I could start over again, let the good night decide who she wants me to find. You know every night I would race the moon and fall for her; even with her heart under lock & key I’d walk back up those steps, with no regrets, just for a chance to breathe that fire again. Tonight, as I look up at the moon I know that somewhere she is looking at it too and as long as we are under the same moon…..we’re never that far apart.

“Craig, have you ever watched the sun set?  I mean really watched it? Isn’t that proof that endings can be beautiful too?”  The moon said.

In the last hours before the sunrise, I’m not sure if I passed out or closed my eyes but I woke into a dream where I know I knew you.  I used to die, every night, in your honor, like a self-conscious ritual, but tonight this ends. I’m forgiving what I’ve done. So, if you're gonna break my heart…it might as well be tonight, and if I never see you again, have a round on me love....nobody wins.

Misuse of imagination

The only thing that separates us from animals is imagination, not reason, but imagination. Watch an apex predator hunt, and you can see reason and even deductive logic at work. I’ve seen a monkey use a rock as a hammer, making it more mechanically inclined than my dad ever was. Imagination, however, is limit-less. It has allowed us to build great-big-ungodly things. Imagination is at the center of every crowning achievement of mankind; it was, after all, imagination that allowed us to slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God when we dared to explore space. 

It was none other than Einstein who noted imagination is more important than knowledge, knowledge is limited, but imagination encircles the world. But it is a double edged sword; or sticking with an Einstein theme, imagination has its own anti-matter.  Anxiety. Worry is a misuse of imagination. I read that a few days ago and have not been able to let go of the powerful brilliance in that simple sentence. Worry is misuse of imagination.

I get anxiety. Literally. I am not simply saying I get it as in I understand it and sympathize, but that I have had anxiety attacks myself and am able to empathize. One of the biggest challenges with this misuse of imagination is nobody else can see it; it’s something underneath my skin. Anxiety is like a thunderstorm,  but I mean a real fuckin thunder storm, not a New England one.... one from tornado alley. It comes out of nowhere and builds up to terrific violence without warning. Immediately you're painfully aware that you're not in Kansas anymore, and though you yearn for the peace and serenity of the plains you're trapped in a swirling vortex of entropy. Your heart rate accelerates from 0-ludicrous speed in the blink of an eye;  your mind races along at 3.0x10^8 meters/second, yet ironically comes to a complete stop, a paradox that only complicates things further until the mind fuck is complete. You feel completely and utterly alone.It hurts just to breathe. You want to ask for help, but can’t get enough air to utter those four simple letters. H-E-L-P. Suffocating under a burden that can be neither seen nor understood, everything goes dark. Your imagination crosses over the event horizon and light (hope) can no longer be seen. Cornered. You can feel the walls closing in until you’re trapped in a six inch prison between your ears. Reason and rational thought left this place a long time ago. Darkness and demons remain; they feed off of the self doubt, becoming stronger with each negative thought.

What makes anxiety even more difficult to battle is the fact that modern society exacerbates this misuse of imagination. As Sebastian Junger noted in his book Tribe, in tribal/primitive societies suicide was nonexistent. However, in today’s world one can go through an entire day of life essentially alone. That’s hard on our psyche. No primate, no matter how evolved or primal, survives alone. In that truth lies the only remedy. The realization that we aren’t alone or meant to be. In today’s world where it’s possible to go days or weeks without any real human interaction it’s easy to forget that fact. Ironically, it’s been well documented that as affluence goes up, so does the rate of depression and anxiety. The socioeconomic groups with the highest rates of depression and anxiety are also the most affluent and least likely to be a victims of violent crime. Modern society hasn’t created more free time but rather a cycle of work, financial obligations and more work. Affluence, material possessions and even “safety” are not good trades for freedom – free time, and because of this we’ve learned to misuse imagination.

Perhaps if we came to the realization that at the end of life what really matters is not what we bought but what we built. Not what we got but what we shared. Not our competence but our character. Not our material success but our significance. We need to live a life that matters. A life of love. We are not here to survive; god don’t live the same year 88 times and call it a life. Live a life on fire, going mad with desire. Try not to misuse imagination. Find every reason something will work, instead of listing the reasons it won’t. As my favorite movie character ever, Maximus Decimus Meridius, said “imagine where you will be and it will be so”.

When all else fails, on particularly rough days when I am sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%......and that’s pretty good. After all as Buddha noted “A man who conquers himself is greater than one who conquers a thousand men in battle.”.

Open All Night

Here in the dark I cherish the moonlight;  the sky spins around w her diamonds on fire.

The moon must've felt my eyes gazing in the night and broke the silence asking "What's on the docket tonight? "

"Just my own sin." I said continuing "I got my heart up in a beautiful mess. I should’ve known better to wreck myself or to gamble while broke. I traded two steps forward for three steps back. Why do you think we prefer known hells to unknown heavens?"

"Craig - I can understand you need a minute to breathe and to sew up the seams, after all this defeat. You need to know what's beautiful is broken and grace is just the measure of a fall." The moon said.

"Moon, did you have it out for us? And the night and the stars the same? Did everything she touch turn to stone or die eventually? Or was it never seen the same again? I watched her steal the air, right from the atmosphere. Yeah, and this heart I had, she could never sympathize.  And while she held my hand…..I think I witnessed a crime.”. I whispered in the darkness.

“It's plain for me to see that now you're wide-eyed with a heart made full of fright and your eyes follow like tracers in the night. Sheltered, you try to keep the wolf back from the door but he wanders ever closer every night. And now he waits.....baying for blood.  “The moon insisted and then explained “Your task is not to seek love, but merely seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

“Then can you tell me why it seems everybody that I’ve ever known, they just ache all night and they wake up alone.  We wait in the dark for something to put us to sleep. We want love like it was a drug. But all I want is a little relief. Every heart I’ve held since….they were just painkillers to me. And now because of the shame associated with vulnerability, I am numbing myself completely. I have pills for this, tabs for that and something that used to resemble a soul. She was much in my hands as water or darkness or nothing can ever be held. I guess in life, it's just flashes that we own. Little snapshots, made of breath and of bone. And out here, in the dark,  alone…..they light up the sky.

I guess all this must've been comin' a long, long time, 39 years of nerves on fire. Nobody came and nobody saw; I made a wreck of myself with the headlights on.” I said.


"Lucky for you I'm open all night" the moon replied.

"Yea, but You can't make me whole" I said. "I have to find that on my own."

Somewhere along....something went off and I woke up with blood on my lips.

Here's looking at you, Kid (Part II)

“Some days I hideaway and wait for that rain to come”. I said.  “Pain is alive in a broken heart. The past never does go away. I suppose we were born to love and we're born to pay the price for our mistakes. Memories they can't be erased. You leave me in the dark. Recounting all my sins. You put words in my mouth. That I can barely speak. These feelings in my heart; are they enough to overcome? Or is this the end?

These mental wounds aren't healing; driving me insane. In all good faith and sentiment, I can't believe somehow, that I haven't died of grief or something since she left this town. At 3 AM and 4 AM, it's impossible to sleep. I'd do anything to hold her, to feel her next to me. I'm all sore eyes, and there are beasts at my backdoor, pulling out their claws. So I'll pop some pills, and whatever else they give me; if it stops the nightmares, it probably won’t kill me. If I slow it down I'll end up on one of my accusers knives. If only I stopped to tell her that I love her, under the moon light...

"Sleep doesn't help if it's your soul that's tired" the moon said "but I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You’re the angry boy, a bit too insane, but it’s time to stop icing over a secret pain.” the moon said.

“What do you know about pain?” I asked “You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you’re with ‘em? You meet and neither one of you even knew what hit ‘em? I can’t tell you what it really is, only what it feels like, and right now there’s a steel knife in my windpipe. I can’t breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight. Feels like I’m suffocating and right before I drown she resuscitates me. Is it bc she loves me or fucking hates me?

 

The moon interrupted me saying “God isn’t going to look you over for medals, degree or diplomas...but for scars”

You better tell nobody but God, all the things I’ve seen, but it feels like I’ve been beaten to death, now I’m just bleeding to death, with regret.

"I've been walking the beach tonight. Just trying to get it right. I sit here by the moon, cause I'd rather be alone, if I can't have her right now, I'll wait here.  Shed a tear bc I'm missing you, it’s a struggle to smile. Girl I think about you, every day now." I stood there, on a deserted beach, nothing but a hammock and my thoughts, I asked the moon to take me disappearing through the madness of mind, the foggy ruins of time, and out to the windy beach, far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow, where all memory and fate can be driven deep beneath the waves.  Let me forget about today until tomorrow. 

The moon noticed “it’s ironic that you’re on the beach, and soon heading out, because in many ways she reminds me of the sea....the way she came dancing towards you, wild and beautiful. And just when she was almost close enough to hold, she’d rush away again”.

“Don’t remind me” I replied. “You’re right. My darling is the restless sea. I'd like to ask her, has the night sky seen the same troubles as we? Tell me true, my love, the restless sea. It seems there are three things never satisfied. The grave, your heart, and mine. But will I you hold in my arms, where now only rust and sorrow lie, underneath the bounding main tonight? By now, I fear you've  forgotten about me, while kissing clouds and gods, I’ve been brought down to my knees. And yes, now, I’ve come to know this endless night. High above, my love, is the constellation light, which feels like your fingertips waving over me. Endless night, I know it well indeed. I built a room for you in the back of my mind, where the ravenous wolves and ghosts I know reside. You were/are amazing; you’re always on my mind. There were things that I did, just so I could feel anything. I put my head inside the jaws of a tiger, hoping he’d consume me. But I was spared, cause I have no heartbeat and now the air that I breathe is about to run out. Heart attacks and broken dreams....there's an S.O.S on the seas tonight...I tailed off

"You can't stop the feelings you have for someone" the moon said "You can't lie to yourself either. Your heart knows the truth all too well, but you’ll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end. ” the moon told me as I lay on deck, staring up at the night sky.

I swear I saw you dancing under the constellation light. I could feel you move and I catch myself like a spell falling under you. Every night there was a fire, in your chest and in my brain, your fingers on my fingertips. All I’ve ever needed was your hand in mine. I would give anything for the touch of your skin. Yes, I would burn here for years, up in desire.  What could make a woman like you, believe in a man such as me? Unworthy to sit at your foot or crown. Seems I can only let you down. What does it feel like inside? Does it hurt you at night? Or does it set you on fire? I know some men spend their lives chasing the accolades of pride. But that just never crossed my mind because you were always on my mind. I remember how you looked as you lay sleeping. I would stay awake there just to hear you breathing. I've accepted who you are, could you do just the same for me?

If you only exist now in my dreams, then don’t wake me up, bc thirty seconds after I wake, I remember where you are and my heart just up and breaks. If time could heal all these wounds, then god damn I’d wish my life away just for a sign of some relief . ”

"even the deepest scars in time will fade. When the pain is all but gone, when you finally sleep and awake, you'll see that despite the overwhelming odds tomorrow came." The moon reassured me. 

"I don't know. 'It's such a shame'.  I heard the wind say this morning, but  it’s time to go home now; I stand alone in this airport bar and gather thoughts to think, that if all I have now is one long road, it could drive a man to drink.  Staring at the bottom of this glass I can only hope one day it will last. See you when I close my eyes; I don't understand why everything I touch surely dies. But then I remember you, that smile, shining in all you do. And if you remembered me, you could save me from the way I tend to be. Then I catch myself, catching your scent on someone else, in this crowded space and it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

I take steps in your footsteps but they aren't getting me closer to what is left of the dreams of what I once claimed to know. Could you tell me again what you did this for?

You could be immature & selfish, but I don't mind. I'm just so tired of the empty sheets I sleep beside. I can only hope that one day you will believe in me as I believe in you. All my friends wanna get in to heaven, all I keep thinking is I was wish you were here. You might be an angel, or a devil....truth is....I don't know. But you are in fact, love, that's made me fall flat on my face. I know of no words that are enough to prove my love to you but there is a place only love can go. In my heart....you should always know.... there is a place ...only you can go.

" I understand" the moon said "but If you could soldier on, headstrong into the storm, I’ll be here waiting on the other side. Don’t look back; the road is long. The first days of the war are gone. Take back your former throne and turn the tide".

I wish I knew how?  This world rings with echoes of lives once lived but now are lost. Time spent wondering about tomorrow. If I thought it would help I would drive this plane in to the sea. If the fire and smoke and explosions could speak for me; the words that I used to try to explain how something inside of me started to break, but one by one my words just got in the way. How many times did I crash against the waves, with my head going under? So, I don't care if I lose it all tonight, up in flames, burning bright, warming the air of the world. I've been burned so near to death, that I probably won't live through it, anyhow. . . . but I never wanted to look back years from now and think how extraordinary it could have been. I’d prefer to tell of how fear tried to cheat me out of the best thing in life, and I didn’t let it.

"Craig, I know a secret, but you can never tell; I know who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. Sometimes you're up. Sometimes you're down. God's gotta trouble the waters."

"What are you saying ? This is some kind of test? How many times can I break till I shatter?" I asked.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." The moon replied

I suppose what we are is the sum of 1000 lies. What we know is almost nothing at all. But we are what we are till the day we die. It seems the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell. 

I did some things, like a fool in a film. Those things didn't matter; but what if they did? Maybe I'll come running at the end of your line; or maybe I'll be the one you never get over.

You see....there's a room inside my heart that no one could ever go. It was boarded up and locked for years. Then you came along and cut yourself a key. Opened all the windows and said let it breathe. And there's a place inside your heart, baby I believe, where its been raining there so long that sometimes you can hardly see. But when you wake in the morning, I would kiss your face bc it's you I'll love through all my years. 

El sonido de su risa es mejor que cualqier musica. Ella tiene mi corazon hasta que la luna cae del cielo.”

“forever is a long time” the moon said.

“with her, it wouldn’t be long enough." 

"Depende, de que depende..." The moon replied, and after a long pause continued “Remember what I told you about the sun?”  the moon asked. “Even after all this time the Sun never says to the Earth you owe me. Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky”.

All I can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if that's what she says I oughta do. 

I have late night talks with the moon. He tells me about the sun. I tell him about you. 

Here's looking at you, Kid

I have late night conversations w the moon. He tells me about the sun. I tell him about you. 

 

Last night I told him that I've run so far that I've lost myself; there are things I have seen that I never will tell. It drove me out of mind and inside myself, but I never will forget you, my American love; I'll always remember you as beautiful as they come, tho if saw you I'd pretend not to know.

 

I picture her dancing by the water beneath the Mexican sky,  listening to the mariachi play at midnight, then drinking margaritas, watching the sunrise. I'd pay any price, bear any burden, to be there too, but every ticket cost the same to where I can't go. 

 

And if I thought it would help I would carve her name into my heart, but she is now of my existence, a part of that which still remains. And she’s lingering like fingered strings, I seem to call on to feel the pain. I beg the book to turn the page bc I get suck where the villains get away. Somewhere in this wretched tale there must be a line where the victim gets his way. Just one time. I can only pray that I get mine bc one by one and day by day I become the darkness in the place we used to live.  

 

The moon just shrugged and told me to hold on bc the space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.

 

"How can you be so sure?" I asked "I feel like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life.  I see her when I close my eyes. I'm just trying to understand why everything I touch surely dies. Now I only see her when I fall sleep. Never to touch, and never to keep bc she ran from me like a vampire from a 1000 burning suns. She ran away, and the things once in order now seem so strange. Once I could tell all of the hurt apart from myself, but now all I see is the hurt. 

 

"That's all you see now", the moon said, "but don't let the night become the day. Don't take the darkness to the grave. I know pain is just a place where it feels like your will has been broken, but don't let the fear become the hate, don't take the sadness to the grave.".  

 

I understand, I said, but most of this life's been a drag of a high and lows like a blow in a paid thrown title fight. My love seems to go from a dream to a crash and a roll just shaking up everyone. Then she texts me from the cold, just when I was low and feeling short of stable. All that she intends, and all she keeps inside, isn't on the label. I think she wants to take me for awhile, be my friend, forget the past, but maybe I'm not able? Will we ever be again? Problem is I never really know a killer from a savior and I wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then bc eventually all my love turns into blood on stray paper. 

 

 "There will be time to crack another smile, maybe not today or for awhile, but we hold on to laugh again someday". The moon said.

 

“Do think I'm crazy?’ I asked rhetorically . "Sorry doc but I been crazy. There's no way that you can save me. I loved her like her fire till it drove me insane. I need an interventionist to intervene between me and this monster and save me from myself and all this conflict cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it. Seems we're all ok, until the day we're not. The surface shines while the inside rots. You know what?  Just let me forget about today until tomorrow” I said “because I’d trade all my tomorrows for one single yesterday. Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, i believe in yesterday." I tailed off...

 

“Nine planets around the sun. Only one does the sun embrace. Upon this watered one there is so much you take for granted.” The moon said,  “so instead of taking things for granted, if given the chance what would you say”

 

Memories, like fingerprints, I felt them slowly raising. 

 

"The seas are full of water that stops by the shore. Just like the riches of love that never reach the poor. But I have no more blood to bleed, 'cause my heart has been drained into the sea" I said. 

Pausing for a moment, a deafening silence fell upon us.  Realizing I hadn't answered the question, I gathered my thoughts, looked up at the moon and continued "I guess I'd start by asking did you sleep last night? And do you remember dreams? Do I ever cross your mind; do you ever think of me? I had a dream about you last night and I could barely see your form,  but I met you bw the wax and the needle in the words of my favorite song. Your blonde hair was like threads of gold, with your tan skin on the beach, your backdrop were the auroras and my sidekick was all this grief. Come see, I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles. I was fortunately desperate and turbulently innocent , I was living underneath my body weight. I was crazy like the moon for you. Head over my heels for you. Never would I change or compromise. But something in my mind does things I can't contain for anything. Last night I don't think sleep even touched my eyes. I feel like I've lived a lifetime without you, have you ended up somebody's angel? I'm no angel but I got nothing to hide. Can you say the same thing for yourself tonight? From the very first time I set my eyes on you girl, my heart said follow through.  

In a noisy bar in Avalon I tried to call you, but on a midnight watch I realized why twice you ran away. I think about how many times I have fallen, but mostly I remember how time stopped when I saw you standing there. I could barely breathe.  Please stay the same, don't ever change, bc I'd miss your Bette Davis eyes and the way you look in that dress. You're an essay in glamour, please pardon the grammar, but you're every school boys dream. To this day, I can still recall the hour when you first let down your walls. I thought I might have died right there floating up above it all, but it scared you love to need someone so you killed it all instead.

 

What you didn’t know is I don't wanna take what you can't give. I would rather starve than eat your bread. Maybe you needed a change. Maybe I was in the way, but there will always be a soft spot for you in my cardiac arrest. I brought down the sky for you, but all you did was shrug. You give my emptiness a name, so now I dance w your ghost, but that ain't the way, I can't move on and I can't stay the same. 

 

Still I age by years at the mention of your name. I am a lucky man to recognize your grace, but I need your grace to remind me to find my own. So with this pen, I thee wed, my heart to your distress bc you never ended up coming home, you just became something like some smoke that I tried too hard to hold. 

 

All I want is to wake up where you are bc this life is only chains; nothing like the colors of my dreams. I guess boys will be boys and girls have those eyes that'll cut you to ribbons sometimes. And all I can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if it's what she says I oughta do

 

After a long pause the moon looked at me and said “Like seed, love needs water before it grows out of the ground. But it just keeps on getting hotter and your hunger more profound. Well, I know there can come tears from your eyes. But they may as well be in vain. Even though I know these tears come with pain. Even so and just the same. Make it rain.”

To be continued....