Doubting Thomas

Four benadryl, 3 melatonin, a shot of nyquil and hours later I lay here listening to every heart beat while engaging in a staring contest with the ceiling. There are too many questions, more than there are stones in the Great Wall of China, the bigger problem being is that there is only one answer that plays like a broken record over and over again inside my head....it's you. The most powerful adversary on earth is the doubting Thomas within. It has the ability to cripple me. I question everything. Each decision, every choice is put under more microscopes than Magic Johnson's blood work and it always brings me back to that answer "it's you, you're fault". The DT within makes me feel rudderless, lost in the vast expanse of the ocean, not knowing how it happened or how to right the ship. There are times its voice drowns out everything else. It relentlessly mocks me. Who do you think you are? You're not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, intelligent enough. Why are you surprised? I have no answers, which only makes it worse. I try to combat it with empirical evidence to the contrary, diplomas, degrees, achievements, friendships, but to no avail. It's 3AM, I pick up the phone and it's LED screen shines in the darkness like the lighthouse at Alexandria, hurting my eyes and only waking me up more. Besides who was I gonna call at this hour? No one wants to hear from me. Wait was that the Doubting Thomas talking or was it me? Confusion sets in, the questions continue like a relentless siege on my sanity and self worth. We all have self doubt, no matter how confident we may outwardly appear. Any one that tells you differently is either lying or has never cared enough about anything or anyone. The doubting Thomas within us is like the force in Star Wars; it can be used for good or evil. It can either push us harder or cripple us. We can use it as motivation or as an excuse to give up. It is a million times easier to do the latter of the two, but that is a disservice to ourselves and those around us. I am reminded of what Marianne Williamson once said: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? That’s the real question we must be asking ourselves. Rather than dwell on self doubt, perceived failures and short comings (or even the very real ones of which admittedly I have many) we must embrace who we are, what is we do well, what we bring to the table as friends, brothers, sons/daughters, wives and husbands. You get the point. Playing small does not serve the world around you. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. There is a fine line bw that and arrogance however, and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. In fact to a large degree we not only give them permission but we inspire them to do so. And as we are liberated from our own fear, we automatically liberate others as well. There is probably no greater gift you can give someone than that liberation. There is no more powerful adversary I face than me , and as I struggle to liberate myself from the doubting Thomas within, or at least redirect the self doubt into motivation, I hope that others around me are doing the same bc I am surrounded by some of the best and most uniquely talented people in this world. It would be a shame for anything to stop those lights from shining.