Mind flu

One of the very first things l ever wrote and it kinda sums up how I've been feeling lately. 

For the past several weeks I have had a terrible, and debilitating case of the mind flu (it's much worse than the swine flu).If you who have never experienced it, it is my sincere wish that you never do....for if a mind is a terrible thing to waste, then a wasted mind is a terrible thing to have. It involves racing thoughts, and an inability to focus(refocus) on anything constructive. Try as I might, the negative thoughts, feelings and anxiety come back tenfold every time I think I have won; I begin to realize this is a never ending lifelong battle. It's relentless. A military type siege on my sanity. I feel trapped, boxed in, claustrophobic and frozen. I try to move "in spite of" this chaotic mind, that is doing its best to cripple me but at times it hurts just to breath. The more I try to understand it, the worse it becomes. All attempts make me feel like Sisyphus, and my mind screams "Give up"; I hear it in my head over and over again, after all that would be easier. In the face of adversity isn't it always easier to give up? Certainly when I am pushing my body far beyond anything I thought I could do, it would be way easier to give up, to quit, but I don't do it then. I do one more rep, one more pull on erg,  I get back on the bar and pull myself up despite agonizing lactic acid build up and the fact that my arms/legs feel like cement. I continue to push myself past the breaking point, so why does the voice in my head dominate my thoughts and cripple me now? Why are all the negative thoughts bouncing around in my head faster than atoms in the Hadron supercollider? 

I try to rally around a lesson I learned from Charlie Plumb some time ago. That very often we build our own prisons, and the six inch prison cell b/w our ears is every bit as debilitating and painful as any real prison could ever be. Everything we do is a choice, and if we want, we can choose to give up , after all its just one more choice. However if we do give up we are letting go of the last of the human freedoms, which is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way as Viktor Frankl once said. I try to make that choice, to choose my attitude, but fail. I tell myself that at the very least by trying I have made a choice, and have not given up that last of human freedoms. And yet the supercollider continues to spin, in a very real way creating a black hole that is sucking me in. As I sit on the event horizon of this abyss of misery, despair and loneliness I try to recall anything that makes me happy--I try to choose. I recall my nephews laugh, my nieces immeasurable cuteness, or even her smile. I battle back; I make a choice. The pull doesn't let go, and I'm fucking exhausted. I lay here and wonder why no matter how long I spend staring at, and talking to, the ceiling it offers me nothing in return. And now I wait, for the next round to begin.

37 things in 37 years

1-Given enough time everyone will let you down. Yes. everyone. It's up to you whether or not you forgive them or if what they did was forgivable. The choice is yours, don't let a moment define a life. 

2-I'll take a genuine asshole/enemy over a fake friend every time. Nothing is worse than phony people, or those who are two faced and love to gossip.    

3- I wouldn't want to live in a world without music. (And if you don't listen to Gaslight Anthem you're doing music wrong. Bad music-ing)

4-While it's painstakingly obvious that the arrow of time only moves/points in one direction we all need to slow down and appreciate the moment more. Get lost in a child's laugh. Enjoy a cold beer and good times w a friend. Find someone whose smile can warm, if not melt,  your heart then make them smile all the damn day. Time moves forward. The moment is gone , literally in the blink of an eye. Enjoy the fuck out of it. 

5-Soul search frequently (maybe less frequently than I do lest you also become crazy like me) but don't ever do something or be with someone bc it's comfortable. Seriously.  

6-Love is the most powerful, beautiful, intoxicating, crippling, painful, thing in this world. In many ways it is the ultimate irony of evolution.  

7-you can't teach an idiot. That's why they're an idiot....or as Jim Jeffries said "not your child, you're child isn't stupid, your child has a learning difficulty.... That's the definition of stupid. If you have difficulty , learning, that's what stupid is!  if you find it hard to put information in your head and recall it when you need it.... That's textbook stupid"

8-women deserve better (the real ones, not the trashy ones). To that end, it would be pretty amazing if they were a tad more rational (I hear you all cursing!!) 

9-loyalty and trust mean everything. It's like a bridge, it may last a thousand years but, once broken, it will never be the same.

10-people don't read enough and need to look at a map every now and then. It's frightening. The 7 continents and 5 oceans is the Mendoza line, and I have "friends" who are former CPAs (not to name names) who couldn't name those and once told me Anartica was

a country not a continent. Really?!? Pre tell wtf is the capital of Antartica? And why are we allowed to be disappointed w our country's struggles in math but I'll be fucked if anyone could point out Iraq on a map!!! 

11-You can't out work a bad diet. You can't, but I can haha. No seriously eat better if aesthetics are your goal. Lift heavy if strength is your goal. Less than 1% of people on earth can be incredibly ripped and incredibly strong at the same time, most of which you see earning millions of dollars every Sunday September through January. If I had to choose bw one of the other, we all know where I stand, strength is king. 

12-Identify your passion. Then attack it like a rabid dog. We need more passionate people. I've been called many things in my life (some good, many bad haha) but apathetic is not that one of them. There is perhaps nothing more dangerous , to your soul and to mankind, than apathy. 

13-the bravest of faces are the ones where we fake it. 

14-fuck convention and "social protocol" trust your gut more often. If it says "xyz" is a dodgy fuck chances are it's true. To that end if it says you see something in someone that others don't, something good and powerful and beautiful... trust it. The heart sees what the mind cannot. 

15-it is often said the eyes are the gateway to the soul. I believe the smile is the gateway to the heart. You can tell an awful lot about someone from their smile. 

16-Women will never understand guys night. No matter what they say or nonsense they try to sell you. They don't understand it. Men just seem to form tighter relationships. Every guy at some point has had to break plans w his friends bc his girlfriend or wife's plans w her friends fell through, whereas the opposite rarely, if ever, happens. It's weird but true. (Every guy reading this knows it's true, every woman thinks I'm full of it. Checkmate). Moreover, women can go away for a girls beach weekend without judgment ( for the record your bf/husband LOVES this bc it gives him a legit guys weekend) but if three guys leave town together the assumption is we are doing lines of blow off a hookers body. Stop judging,...she's paying her way through law school!  

17 - the only other thing I know about women is "I'm fine " or "nothing's wrong" translates loosely into English as :

"I've decided to take a passive aggressive stance for some perceived wrong doing and i am extra angry that you don't even know what it is. Rather than tell you , I am going to pout for hours effectively ruining whatever fun you planned on having for the rest of the day/night" (truest thing I've ever written)

18-I am an acquired taste. 

19- we need to starting treating addiction like an illness , not a weakness. The same holds true w mental health. We can, and must,  do a better job. 

20- exercise is the most powerful

mood enhancer / anti depressant around. There are almost no wounds the iron can't heal. 

21- healthcare needs to be  blown up. Started over. A world class country shouldn't have a second rate system. I don't have all the answers but we must start with this premise :

Patient outcome is more important than anything else. 

22- identify the people in life who are worth your time. The ones reaching a hand to help you up, or waking up at 5AM to come help you when you lock yourself out of your own house and it's ten below outside. Thanks Zumba. One of my fav/best people in the world (21a : Zumba will change the world. Believe it. The force is strong in this one.). The most value commodity on earth isn't gold or oil ....it's true friendship. 

23- haters gonna hate

24- we need to do for more veterans. Anyone who has served our country at the very least deserves free world class health care for life. 

25- education is the great equalizer. Everyone should be afforded the opportunity to it ; colleges need to become monuments to learning, wonder, and amazement...not to profit. If a university has a $19 billion endowment does it really need to cost 60k / year?? 

26 - I promise I'm not as angry as I look....I'm angrier.

 (As the exchange goes in Avengers: How do you control it Dr Banner? 

That's my secret Captain, i am always angry) 

27 - time doesn't heal all wounds. That's bullshit. In time we may get better, but the scars remain and that's ok. That's part of who we are; they tell our story. 

28 - if you're one of those people who rely on external motivation you will fail. If you need others to push you to train, you'll fail; if you need people to motivate you at work, you won't be successful; if you can't motivate yourself, you've already failed. 

29 - I really love kids and hope I am lucky enough to have my own someday. The love I have for my little people is immeasurable. They save me from me. Id like to think I'd  be a good dad, idk, but I'd try really hard and love the fuck out of them. Even when they're being little shits! I mean if they have my genes.... I, and they, are totally hosed anyway so might as well have fun with it. They've also taught me that the only thing people who truly care about you want from you is your time. Nothing is more valuable to those you love than your time. There is no substitute for a hug. 

30 - I would've made a good Viking 

31 - if you have to ask yourself if you love someone, you don't. 

32 - 99 out of 100 people who say they will always stay in touch, or that they will never lose touch, are lying, be the one who isn't. 

33 - the most powerful adversary I will ever face is me. (Heavy & high rep back squats are second). 

34 - in the waning years of his life my grandfather and I spent countless hours together. He taught me so much. Above all else he told me to always keep my word. "If you tell someone you're going to do something, no matter how big or small, anything, you fucking do it". I've always tried to keep my word, especially to friends. At least once a day I can still hear him saying that. I think it was the only time I ever heard him say fuck. I think about him all the time. I can only hope he would be proud of me at least to the extent that I hold my word and value loyalty. (33a - he also always said being late is unforgivable, and arrogant. It tells people your time is more valuable than theirs. To this day I've never once been late to work, to a meeting, etc....god do I miss him). 

35 - both my grandmothers taught me the value of kindness. It was fitting and ironic bc of who they married.... the two "hardest" guys I ever knew. Until writing this I never realized that , subconsciously , i may mirror my grandfather(s)outwardly and channel my grandmother(s) inwardly. 

36 - despite the overwhelming odds tomorrow came......but.....

37) - life is undefeated. It wins. You die. Enjoy the ride bc you get one ticket. Better to be a bit hedonistic than years from now dying in your bed wishing you had done more. 

 

It's an illness not a weakness

 On the edges of the sharpest knives

In the middle of the darkest nights

Always knew that I would find you here

In a puddle of the bravest tears

 

There are times I feel as if I am having an out of body experience…..I am looking at myself, and  singing those words to myself. We need to have a talk. Me, you, this whole fucking country needs to talk.  It’s en vogue to say our health care system is broken, and it is, but where we fail most miserably is treating mental illness. No one is ashamed to say they have cancer, we drop buckets of water on our head to raise awareness for ALS, but yet we only speak of mental illness while whispering in the corners of rooms, usually before or after a person who is suffering from it enters or exits. “Oh here comes ______, I heard he/she is really struggling/crazy”.

 

How are things up in that ivory tower? When I find a spare minute I am going to turn it in to an ivory tombstone.

 

You hear all the time how selfish suicide is. It is taking the easy way out. It’s an act of cowardice. It leaves behind too many victims. Wtf. I mean seriously what the fucking fuck? If someone dies of cancer, is that selfish? No? how about if they smoked? Or how about if the contracted AIDs from unprotected sex?  Is it selfish then? because I could reasonably argue they brought that on themselves, certainly brought it on themselves a hell of a lot more than someone suffering from depression, bipolar, PTSD etc. So why is suicide the only one that is “selfish”? Do you think anyone suffering from PTSD, depression, bipolar, etc is more or less likely to get help after a lifetime of hearing shit like that. Wake the fuck up. More often than not suicide is the tragic and untimely death of someone who lost their battle with an illness. For the love of god we cannot move forward until people see it that way.

 

Mental illness is just that, an illness. It needs to be treated, not stigmatized. No one asks for it. No one contracts it because they smoked cigarettes or chewed tobacco. No one got it because they got drunk in a bar , went home with someone, had sex, and didn’t use a condom. But ohhhh hold the presses, if a friend of ours contracted AIDs that way we would be full of compassion, sympathy and holding fundraisers to alleviate their tremendous out of pocket costs because their insurance provider probably doesn’t cover STD’s or has some provision in their policy that says they only cover STD’s contracted while you were sober , cuddling with a nun,  in an igloo. ( I WAS IN THE POOL!!!!! )

 

All that is great. We should feel compassion, sympathy and help those in need. ALL of those in need. We cannot discount those whose needs and struggles we may not fully understand. Every 13 minutes someone commits suicide. Lucky number 13. Thirteen minutes from right now someone is not taking the easy way out and you can go fuck yourself if you believe that. We fear and mock that which we do not understand.  We further isolate those who are suffering, only making matters 100000x worse. Being told to “toughen up” or “just get past it” only worsens the problem. It is akin to throwing gasoline on a fire in an effort to put it out because it makes the person who is struggling feel only weaker, more alone, less understood and more judged. Nothing matters but the pain when you’re alone; it is omniscient.

 

 

Thankfully , at least for me, despite the overwhelming odds tomorrow came. Not everyone is that lucky. Thirteen minutes from now someone else won’t be. Instead of judging and calling them weak try reaching out a hand.

Don't run

A really good person I know wrote me the other day seeking my advice about starting a blog. I was blown away. I legitimately couldn't think why anyone would ask me this. Please believe this isn't some fucking bullshit attempt at humility ....that's not me. 

I know what I'm good at and (regrettably) admit that I'll be the first to tell you I can out bench or strict press you while kicking your ass at jeopardy. But my blog, my writing (please believe) was never meant for the edification of me. No fucking way. Have you proofread the bullshit I post? I make e e cummings look like a grammar nazi. 

I've always loved to write and have written many things the blog has never, and will never, see. Some have been lost to computer failure; some I think are shit; others I think would cause my family to have me put in a padded room (beats a cell right?); and the rest are out there , posted for all to read, thanks mainly to Beth Boulay who used to have to read my diatribes via email and once said "when are you going to write for the world? It's beautiful but beyond that it's real and people would read it."  Only then did I even consider posting the white noise that is my brain chatter. So thank (or blame) Beth.

Speaking of beautiful people have you met my sisters-in-laws? And that's how my mind works. It "works"...... but not at all. It makes connections out of things that don't exist. It chooses to remember anything I ever read but forget where the fuck my keys or wallet are at any given moment. 

Alex Trebek: our final jeopardy category is World Geography

Me: I got this. I wager the US national debt

Alex: answer. Where is your wallet right now?

Me: oh fuck ? Idk the bar? Why is he asking me this? I mean wtf this douchebag doesn't even know that Ulan Bator is the capital of Mongolia or that Genghis Khan was so prodigious that some genealogists believe that 1/200 men are descendants of him. Speaking of which, as a descendant of ghensgis khan why don't I just go bury this stencil in his neck 

Alex: times up. Let's see what you wrote.....Craig... why would Genghis khan have your wallet?! 

Me: because fuck you Alex 

Ugh. And welcome to the cluster fuck that is my brain. I literally had to interrupt it there bc I was going even more tangential than I could tolerate. 

So my friend asked me how to start a blog, and I guess my advice to him, or anyone, is no different than I would offer someone on how to live life (given the first question would be why the hell are you asking me?):

Have no filter. Be who you are. Don't run from it. I could find a million imperfect "yous" anywhere, but I can find only one perfect "you".   Our soul is a voice we too often mute. That's inexcusable. After all I've been through in life I've learned many people will run from you; you cannot be one of them. 

BOOMSAUCE  

Lessons from my little people

As much as we have to teach to children, they have an equal amount to teach us in return. But only if we pay attention. I would like to think I am a good uncle to my 3 nieces and 2 nephews, collectively my “little people”. I love teaching them new things, new words (albeit it was once teaching the word Budweiser to an 18 month old, funny nonetheless) and just watching them figure things out. Those are the easy things in life, when it comes to the hard stuff we could learn so much more from them, than they could ever learn from us. 

Kids aren’t jaded from that dirtiest of four letter words—life. They are the epitome of the phrase tabula rasa. They don’t prejudge….ever. Wish I could say the same about myself. They have an innate sense of fairness, and they detest hypocrisy. Nothing makes a child more angry, perhaps frustrated is a better word, than hearing “you can’t do that because I said so”. Do as I say, not as I do just doesn’t’ float with them, and truthfully how can we blame them? Think about the last time you were in a situation at work or with a peer, who would rail against a certain behavior or habit, then turn around and do that very thing. If it’s enough to piss you off, imagine how frustrating it must be for a child who doesn’t have the same ability to reason and understand that we do (or that some us do). We would do well to follow their example and not prejudge, or be hypocritical. 

They also appreciate the little things way more than we do. Bring a kid M&M’s or their favorite candy and see the way their face lights up, it’s the best 87 cents you can spend, it’s return on investment is immeasurable. Play catch with a young boy when he really wants to, and you can’t help but notice how this most American of past times can put a smile on his face and create memories that will last a lifetime, free of charge. Kids never miss a chance to laugh, never miss an opportunity to hug, and they smile ear to ear just because. We should all do the same. In fact there is nothing on earth with more curative powers or more "pure" than a child's laughter. I defy you not to laugh if you ever hear Sadie or Ryan laughing. It's intoxicating and helps you leave your "worries for another day"(work in a Fraggle Rock reference whenever you can I say). 

My little people have also shown me time and again how important it is to get over things/disappointments. Sure they dwell on things, but nothing like adults do. A kid may protest for all of 2 minutes, which by the way is a disproportionate amount of their lifetime, they might even cry for 5 minutes (takes me much longer to get over a Michigan loss, tears included), but without fail they rebound and are back playing and laughing within 10 minutes every time. They don’t really dwell on things, they don’t hold grudges against anyone (even if their uncle threw them in the pool), which leads to the most important lesson I learn time and again from my little people….they only know how to love unconditionally, and they don’t know how to hate (except vegetables—this seems to be universally true, and I think they are right on this one too). Their love doesn’t come with conditions. I’ll only love you if I get to live in a big house just isn’t a thought that enters a kids mind. They just love, expecting nothing in return. It’s that simple and the beauty of it escapes definition. 

They certainly makes us laugh with the things they say and do, and if we pay attention they teach us more than we teach them.  And, for at least one uncle, they make you smile/laugh when inside you feel like doing anything but. 

Winston was right

Someone once told me I have a problem letting go. I am offended by that and I strenuously object (oh is that how it works ? you strenuously object?). I don't have a problem letting go; the rest of the world has problem holding on. Besides why would I ever let go when I choose so very fucking little to ever hold close? Everything I have in my life is because I didn't let go, I didn't give up. My close friendships,  academic and physical achievements etc has all been from refusing to let go. Growing up I was always the smallest kid and was frequently told I always would be. I never let go of that, I used it to fuel a dogged determination to prove everyone wrong. I have developed and cultivated friendships that I am proud of. People from all different walks of life, but who at the end of the day have been there for me, and me for them.

But today we live in a throw away society. One defined by rampant consumerism. We replace stuff with new stuff all the time, regardless of whether the old stuff needs replacing or not. Sadly, relationships are handled the same way. When it gets hard, people quit bc thats easier. Too often you hear banalities like "if you love some thing let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be".....cue up the Iceman "bullshit" cough. That is total weaksauce.

I fear the problem will only get worse as the generation(s) that never knew a world without the Internet, Facebook, Skype, text messaging etc gets older. The art of communication and cultivating love has gone the way of the dodo. People don't know how to do it anymore. They build personas on the internet that are caricatures of who they really are.  People hook up and break up via text message, and concern themselves more with validation through social media rather than making true, possibly everlasting, connections Disgraceful. We have stopped keeping scores at kids sports, and children are told they are perfect, and that nothing is their fault. Parents side with their kids blaming teachers for their child's failure, making them ill equipped to deal with failure, and rejection. It is easier to quit & to let go,  than it is to persevere, but the thing is, nothing worth having comes easy and unfortunately bc of this attitude many will never realize that true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. Call me cheesy, call me a romantic, call me whatever you want just don't forget to call me when it is time to press heavy weight. The thing is only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.  They say things like "no history today, Craig" or "you're not that scary Craig"  full well knowing they are the only person on Earth who could get away with saying it, and in a voice that warms your soul and resuscitates your heart.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. The anger and the rage dissipate. They bring you balance. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. They accept you for you in a way no one ever had before or ever will again. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, a song or a walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. An entire day can be spent in a sea of blankets, where seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, and though it feels like time is standing still you realize you have been there from sunrise to sunset & there is not one iota of guilt for wasting the day, bc you know it wasn't wasted, a minute by their side is more valuable than an eternity in heaven. A phone call or text during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.  Silence is comfortable. It feels as if they make your heart smile. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. They are your first phone call; in success and more importantly in failure, their voice is the one you reach for. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible or thought you deserved.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you, yet you find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

You can never hold on too tight to that which you love, or as a man far wiser than I once said "never give up on something you cant go a day without thinking about". I couldn't agree more. I don't have a problem letting go, the rest of the world has a problem holding on.

(written/inspired some time ago, just took awhile to have the guts to post)