I have late night conversations w the moon. He tells me about the sun. I tell him about you.
Last night I told him that I've run so far that I've lost myself; there are things I have seen that I never will tell. It drove me out of mind and inside myself, but I never will forget you, my American love; I'll always remember you as beautiful as they come, tho if saw you I'd pretend not to know.
I picture her dancing by the water beneath the Mexican sky, listening to the mariachi play at midnight, then drinking margaritas, watching the sunrise. I'd pay any price, bear any burden, to be there too, but every ticket cost the same to where I can't go.
And if I thought it would help I would carve her name into my heart, but she is now of my existence, a part of that which still remains. And she’s lingering like fingered strings, I seem to call on to feel the pain. I beg the book to turn the page bc I get suck where the villains get away. Somewhere in this wretched tale there must be a line where the victim gets his way. Just one time. I can only pray that I get mine bc one by one and day by day I become the darkness in the place we used to live.
The moon just shrugged and told me to hold on bc the space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.
"How can you be so sure?" I asked "I feel like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. I see her when I close my eyes. I'm just trying to understand why everything I touch surely dies. Now I only see her when I fall sleep. Never to touch, and never to keep bc she ran from me like a vampire from a 1000 burning suns. She ran away, and the things once in order now seem so strange. Once I could tell all of the hurt apart from myself, but now all I see is the hurt.
"That's all you see now", the moon said, "but don't let the night become the day. Don't take the darkness to the grave. I know pain is just a place where it feels like your will has been broken, but don't let the fear become the hate, don't take the sadness to the grave.".
I understand, I said, but most of this life's been a drag of a high and lows like a blow in a paid thrown title fight. My love seems to go from a dream to a crash and a roll just shaking up everyone. Then she texts me from the cold, just when I was low and feeling short of stable. All that she intends, and all she keeps inside, isn't on the label. I think she wants to take me for awhile, be my friend, forget the past, but maybe I'm not able? Will we ever be again? Problem is I never really know a killer from a savior and I wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then bc eventually all my love turns into blood on stray paper.
"There will be time to crack another smile, maybe not today or for awhile, but we hold on to laugh again someday". The moon said.
“Do think I'm crazy?’ I asked rhetorically . "Sorry doc but I been crazy. There's no way that you can save me. I loved her like her fire till it drove me insane. I need an interventionist to intervene between me and this monster and save me from myself and all this conflict cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it. Seems we're all ok, until the day we're not. The surface shines while the inside rots. You know what? Just let me forget about today until tomorrow” I said “because I’d trade all my tomorrows for one single yesterday. Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, i believe in yesterday." I tailed off...
“Nine planets around the sun. Only one does the sun embrace. Upon this watered one there is so much you take for granted.” The moon said, “so instead of taking things for granted, if given the chance what would you say”
Memories, like fingerprints, I felt them slowly raising.
"The seas are full of water that stops by the shore. Just like the riches of love that never reach the poor. But I have no more blood to bleed, 'cause my heart has been drained into the sea" I said.
Pausing for a moment, a deafening silence fell upon us. Realizing I hadn't answered the question, I gathered my thoughts, looked up at the moon and continued "I guess I'd start by asking did you sleep last night? And do you remember dreams? Do I ever cross your mind; do you ever think of me? I had a dream about you last night and I could barely see your form, but I met you bw the wax and the needle in the words of my favorite song. Your blonde hair was like threads of gold, with your tan skin on the beach, your backdrop were the auroras and my sidekick was all this grief. Come see, I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles. I was fortunately desperate and turbulently innocent , I was living underneath my body weight. I was crazy like the moon for you. Head over my heels for you. Never would I change or compromise. But something in my mind does things I can't contain for anything. Last night I don't think sleep even touched my eyes. I feel like I've lived a lifetime without you, have you ended up somebody's angel? I'm no angel but I got nothing to hide. Can you say the same thing for yourself tonight? From the very first time I set my eyes on you girl, my heart said follow through.
In a noisy bar in Avalon I tried to call you, but on a midnight watch I realized why twice you ran away. I think about how many times I have fallen, but mostly I remember how time stopped when I saw you standing there. I could barely breathe. Please stay the same, don't ever change, bc I'd miss your Bette Davis eyes and the way you look in that dress. You're an essay in glamour, please pardon the grammar, but you're every school boys dream. To this day, I can still recall the hour when you first let down your walls. I thought I might have died right there floating up above it all, but it scared you love to need someone so you killed it all instead.
What you didn’t know is I don't wanna take what you can't give. I would rather starve than eat your bread. Maybe you needed a change. Maybe I was in the way, but there will always be a soft spot for you in my cardiac arrest. I brought down the sky for you, but all you did was shrug. You give my emptiness a name, so now I dance w your ghost, but that ain't the way, I can't move on and I can't stay the same.
Still I age by years at the mention of your name. I am a lucky man to recognize your grace, but I need your grace to remind me to find my own. So with this pen, I thee wed, my heart to your distress bc you never ended up coming home, you just became something like some smoke that I tried too hard to hold.
All I want is to wake up where you are bc this life is only chains; nothing like the colors of my dreams. I guess boys will be boys and girls have those eyes that'll cut you to ribbons sometimes. And all I can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if it's what she says I oughta do
After a long pause the moon looked at me and said “Like seed, love needs water before it grows out of the ground. But it just keeps on getting hotter and your hunger more profound. Well, I know there can come tears from your eyes. But they may as well be in vain. Even though I know these tears come with pain. Even so and just the same. Make it rain.”
To be continued....
