To face our biggest fears in life, we must first identify them. Some are easy, whether it be a fear of heights, failure, snakes, rejection, the dentist, creepy crawlies or other things that go bump in the night . Those fears are easily identified and to a large degree easy to face, and whether we know it or not, those are not our biggest fears. When I pondered this question I noticed a tremendous paradox; in order to face/identify our biggest fear we must explore the deepest recesses of our subconscious, which in of itself might be everyone’s biggest fear, so first we must overcome our biggest fear to find out our biggest fear?!?! I think I just blew my own mind. I got lost in this paradox, this riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. The more I thought about it the more it seemed as if there was a fortress built around these most inner/personal thoughts. We are afraid of what we might find there, the things we don’t talk about at parties, and would never mention to another human being…..our own inner Dexter if you will. I worked relentlessly to penetrate the fortress built around that part of my subconscious and in so doing I couldn’t help but wonder if that fortress in a way is an engineering marvel of evolution designed to save us from ourselves…...from literally driving ourselves crazy.
I struggle(d) mightily with this, to the point it consumed me much like a fire engulfs a dry piece of wood. Could I penetrate that fortress? Did I truly want to, or was I afraid of what I might find there? As the seconds turned in to minutes, the minutes into hours, and the hours into days I couldn't’t let go of the question or the paradox. Every interaction I had with someone the thought entered my mind, and also made me wonder if they ever thought about these things, and what their true biggest fear was. Some part of me wanted to grab each person I came across and shake them like a British nanny, asking them why they didn’t seem to be struggling with this issue? How could they just go through the day and never wonder or ponder these things? I decided I had to let it go or it wouldn’t be long before I was hauled off in a straight jacket and dumped in a padded room. The second I did, wouldn’t you know the answer came to me in a dream.
I dreamt that I was dead but it wasn’t a fear of dying that is my biggest fear it was that no one was at the funeral…..it was that I was “forgettable”; I realized that was my biggest fear…..to be forgotten, to be forgettable. Now in close to 33 years on this planet I have been called a lot of things by a lot of people, but never once has it been forgettable. I can’t help but wonder that if that is because deep in my subconscious that has always been my biggest fear, so it has shaped my approach to life, my personality, who I am. Could it be that our biggest fear (even without us knowing it) determines who we are, what we do? Another question for another time.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
It estimated that there are about 11.6 million illegal immigrants currently in the United States, roughly 3 million alone in California. By definition they have broken at least one law to get here, and once here some continue to break the law, you only need to look here to verify this http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=52198. And here where in 2006 a study showed “Twelve Americans are murdered every day by illegal aliens, according to statistics released by Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa. If those numbers are correct, it translates to 4,380 Americans murdered annually by illegal aliens. That's 21,900 since Sept. 11, 2001.” (http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53103). So I ask my liberal friends how long do we stand idly by, when everyday 12 Americans are killed at the hands of illegal immigrants? As if the cost of life is not enough it is estimated that households headed by illegal aliens imposed more than $26.3 billion in costs on the federal government in 2002 and paid only $16 billion in taxes, creating a net fiscal deficit of almost $10.4 billion, or $2,700 per illegal household and among the largest costs are Medicaid ($2.5 billion); treatment for the uninsured ($2.2 billion); food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches ($1.9 billion); the federal prison and court systems ($1.6 billion); and federal aid to schools ($1.4 billion). Those numbers can only be higher now than they were in 2002 when that study was done by the Center for Immigration Studies. Why are we extending benefits to people intended only for citizens of this country? I have no issue with free school lunch program for the children of America who truly need it, I do however have a problem with $1,900,000,000.00 being spent on free school lunches for people who are criminal aliens (I am sorry but an illegal alien is a criminal by definition). And as recently as this week attorneys for two unnamed Western Michigan couples were to file a class action lawsuit in federal court, claiming the Kent County clerk is violating their civil rights by not granting marriage licenses to illegal immigrants who don't have a Social Security number. How does this not get laughed out of court? If they are not citizens by definition they have no standing to sue! Just another waste of taxpayer time and money.
Obama has stated that he wants to grant illegals amnesty (no surprise since he has an Aunt here illegally living in gov’t subsidized housing), and a free passage to citizenship, without taking in to consideration they broke the law to get here, some have continued to do so once they “put down roots”, and have been a drain on local and federal budgets. As Reagan once said “They say the world has gotten too complicated for easy answers. I disagree, there are no easy answers but there are simple answers.” . For starters amnesty should be taken off the table entirely. I am not saying close the metaphorical gates and path to the American dream, I simply ask it be done the right way, let’s enforce current immigration and naturalization laws.
The second part to the problem exemplifies what Reagan was referring to, the answer is simple but not easy…...b/c to solve the immigration problem we must help make Mexico a place Mexicans actually want to live (same for Haiti and other Latin American countries). This is by no means meant to disparage those nationalities, but we will always have an immigration problem unless we solve that issue. Mexico currently is a beautiful but violent and dangerous place, you need look no further than Ciudad Juarez to see this. Much the way the United States rebuilt Europe in the 1940’s-50’s under the Marshall Plan, we may need to do a similar thing with Mexico and the other Latin American countries. We must solve the problem, not put our finger in one hole in the damn just to watch it spring a leak somewhere else. We must encourage, and perhaps at the beginning even “fund” fiscal policies that allow for local governments to build infrastructure, good schools, hospitals, and to put in place honest/transparent gov’t officials/police forces (maybe that’s an oxymoron haha). We must enable and empower them to eliminate massive criminal enterprises that bring civil unrest, and horrific violence upon their citizen body. Amnesty is not the answer, and neither is deportation (not that I am against deportation, my point is they will just find another way back in). As a staunch fiscal conservative it may surprise you that I am in favor of offering to help fund these undertakings, but above all else I'm a pragmatist. Better to spend a several billion over the next several years solving the problem, than to lose 20 billion per year indefinitely and still have the problem.
I say "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free", just do it legally and don't ask for a free ride upon arrival.
Obama has stated that he wants to grant illegals amnesty (no surprise since he has an Aunt here illegally living in gov’t subsidized housing), and a free passage to citizenship, without taking in to consideration they broke the law to get here, some have continued to do so once they “put down roots”, and have been a drain on local and federal budgets. As Reagan once said “They say the world has gotten too complicated for easy answers. I disagree, there are no easy answers but there are simple answers.” . For starters amnesty should be taken off the table entirely. I am not saying close the metaphorical gates and path to the American dream, I simply ask it be done the right way, let’s enforce current immigration and naturalization laws.
The second part to the problem exemplifies what Reagan was referring to, the answer is simple but not easy…...b/c to solve the immigration problem we must help make Mexico a place Mexicans actually want to live (same for Haiti and other Latin American countries). This is by no means meant to disparage those nationalities, but we will always have an immigration problem unless we solve that issue. Mexico currently is a beautiful but violent and dangerous place, you need look no further than Ciudad Juarez to see this. Much the way the United States rebuilt Europe in the 1940’s-50’s under the Marshall Plan, we may need to do a similar thing with Mexico and the other Latin American countries. We must solve the problem, not put our finger in one hole in the damn just to watch it spring a leak somewhere else. We must encourage, and perhaps at the beginning even “fund” fiscal policies that allow for local governments to build infrastructure, good schools, hospitals, and to put in place honest/transparent gov’t officials/police forces (maybe that’s an oxymoron haha). We must enable and empower them to eliminate massive criminal enterprises that bring civil unrest, and horrific violence upon their citizen body. Amnesty is not the answer, and neither is deportation (not that I am against deportation, my point is they will just find another way back in). As a staunch fiscal conservative it may surprise you that I am in favor of offering to help fund these undertakings, but above all else I'm a pragmatist. Better to spend a several billion over the next several years solving the problem, than to lose 20 billion per year indefinitely and still have the problem.
I say "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free", just do it legally and don't ask for a free ride upon arrival.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
these walls are funny
I was driving home from work the other day and I realized that as I flipped from station to station I was feeding my already bad/anxious mood like adding gas to a flame. I noticed that I stopped on every sad song I could find, and let the lyrics wash over me, triggering an onslaught of negative emotions that became more and more difficult to shake. Hours later as the music continued to play in my head I struggled to comprehend why I had done this to myself, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I was feeding the negative mood bc even as painful as it was/is, it is familiar. And familiar, even if it is painful, is comfortable. I think we can all be guilty of things like this (maybe not to the extreme that I am) but it must have some benefit to us/me or we would not do it - perhaps it is the benefit of familiarity and the safe feeling that it produces (as odd as that sounds)-as a friend pointed out to me, we know what we are getting when we dwell on it; we are familiar with it - we are not when we take an 'unknown path of action' . We take an odd comfort of the known-known, even if it is sadness, anxiety or stress; we’d rather dance with the devil we know than the one we don’t. It’s that fear of unknown-unknowns that seem to challenge us most.
It reminded of the line Red says to Andy in The Shawshank Redemption “These walls are kind of funny. First you hate em, then you get used to em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.”. Metaphorically speaking we all build up the walls Red is referring to. Perhaps the single biggest challenge we all face in life is breaking down those walls, and choosing to face the unknown. So here’s to breaking down walls, to being uncomfortable and escaping that 6 inch prison b/w our ears. I made a promise to myself that I am going to work harder, I am going to push harder, I am going to try to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and continue to surround myself with good people bc only good things can come from that and I am fortunate to have them. I ask that you challenge me, and I promise in return to challenge you both physically and mentally.
It reminded of the line Red says to Andy in The Shawshank Redemption “These walls are kind of funny. First you hate em, then you get used to em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.”. Metaphorically speaking we all build up the walls Red is referring to. Perhaps the single biggest challenge we all face in life is breaking down those walls, and choosing to face the unknown. So here’s to breaking down walls, to being uncomfortable and escaping that 6 inch prison b/w our ears. I made a promise to myself that I am going to work harder, I am going to push harder, I am going to try to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and continue to surround myself with good people bc only good things can come from that and I am fortunate to have them. I ask that you challenge me, and I promise in return to challenge you both physically and mentally.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Mind flu
This was written on a couple months ago...needed some time before I put it "out there"
For the past several weeks I have had a terrible, and debilitating case of the mind flu (it's much worse than the swine flu).If you who have never experienced it, it is my sincere wish that you never do....for if a mind is a terrible thing to waste, then a wasted mind is a terrible thing to have. It involves racing thoughts, an inability to focus(refocus) on anything constructive. Try as I might, the negative thoughts, feelings and anxiety come back tenfold every time I think I have won; I begin to realize this is a never ending lifelong battle. I feel trapped, boxed in, claustrophobic and frozen. I try to move "in spite of" this chaotic mind, that is doing its best to cripple me but at times it hurts just to breath. The more I try to understand it, the worse it becomes. All attempts make me feel like Sisyphus, and my mind screams "Give up"; I hear it in my head over and over again, after all that would be easier. In the face of adversity isn't it always easier to give up? Certainly when I am pushing my body far beyond anything I thought I could do, it would be way easier to give up, to quit, but I don't do it then. I do 10 more box jumps, I do one more rep, I get back on the bar and pull myself up despite agonizing lactic acid build up and the fact that my legs feel like cement. I continue to push myself past the breaking point, so why does the voice in my head dominate my thoughts and cripple me now? Why are all the negative thoughts bouncing around faster than atoms in the hadron supercollider?
I try to rally around a lesson I learned from Charlie Plumb some time ago.
That very often we build our own prisons, and the six inch prison cell b/w our ears is every bit as debilitating and painful as any real prison could ever be. Everything we do is a choice, and if we want, we can choose to give up, after all its just one more choice. However if we do give up we are letting go of the last of the human freedoms, which is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way as Viktor Frankl once said. I try to make that choice, to choose my attitude, but fail. I tell myself that at the very least by trying I have made a choice, and have not given up that last of human freedoms. And yet the supercollider continues to spin, in a very real way creating black hole that is sucking me in. As I sit on the event horizon of this abyss of misery, despair and loneliness I try to recall anything that makes me happy--I try to choose. I recall my nephews laugh, my nieces immeasurable cuteness, or even her smile. I battle back; I make a choice. The pull doesn't let go, and I'm exhausted. I lie there and wonder why no matter long I spend staring at and talking to the ceiling it offers me nothing in return. And now I wait, for the next round to begin.
For the past several weeks I have had a terrible, and debilitating case of the mind flu (it's much worse than the swine flu).If you who have never experienced it, it is my sincere wish that you never do....for if a mind is a terrible thing to waste, then a wasted mind is a terrible thing to have. It involves racing thoughts, an inability to focus(refocus) on anything constructive. Try as I might, the negative thoughts, feelings and anxiety come back tenfold every time I think I have won; I begin to realize this is a never ending lifelong battle. I feel trapped, boxed in, claustrophobic and frozen. I try to move "in spite of" this chaotic mind, that is doing its best to cripple me but at times it hurts just to breath. The more I try to understand it, the worse it becomes. All attempts make me feel like Sisyphus, and my mind screams "Give up"; I hear it in my head over and over again, after all that would be easier. In the face of adversity isn't it always easier to give up? Certainly when I am pushing my body far beyond anything I thought I could do, it would be way easier to give up, to quit, but I don't do it then. I do 10 more box jumps, I do one more rep, I get back on the bar and pull myself up despite agonizing lactic acid build up and the fact that my legs feel like cement. I continue to push myself past the breaking point, so why does the voice in my head dominate my thoughts and cripple me now? Why are all the negative thoughts bouncing around faster than atoms in the hadron supercollider?
I try to rally around a lesson I learned from Charlie Plumb some time ago.
That very often we build our own prisons, and the six inch prison cell b/w our ears is every bit as debilitating and painful as any real prison could ever be. Everything we do is a choice, and if we want, we can choose to give up, after all its just one more choice. However if we do give up we are letting go of the last of the human freedoms, which is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way as Viktor Frankl once said. I try to make that choice, to choose my attitude, but fail. I tell myself that at the very least by trying I have made a choice, and have not given up that last of human freedoms. And yet the supercollider continues to spin, in a very real way creating black hole that is sucking me in. As I sit on the event horizon of this abyss of misery, despair and loneliness I try to recall anything that makes me happy--I try to choose. I recall my nephews laugh, my nieces immeasurable cuteness, or even her smile. I battle back; I make a choice. The pull doesn't let go, and I'm exhausted. I lie there and wonder why no matter long I spend staring at and talking to the ceiling it offers me nothing in return. And now I wait, for the next round to begin.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The journey
My personal path to self growth and enlightenment has been rocky at best, and sometimes an absolute train wreck. I’ve loved and lost, then swore to never love again. I’ve been to places most people only dream of, some beautiful, one terrifying. Battled mental instability along the way with the help of the best family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I’ve tried to be as good a son, brother, friend, uncle in return. I developed an addiction to exercise to treat it, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. There are days the demons win, but the war is far from over and I try to hold on to the belief that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve always believed that we should live a life that is a statement, not an apology, and would like to think I have done so. The people I love most, know who they are, I tell them often if not with words then with actions. I try to do both. It took me ten years to ante up again in the game of love, I moved all in and got crushed. I spent many sleeplessness nights staring at my ceiling searching for answers that were nowhere to be found. Through it all I have come to some absolute truths in life
-A true friend walks in the door when the rest of the world is walking out.
-Life is hard, but we need to enjoy it b/c our time here is limited and could run out tomorrow
-That we aren’t meant to “understand” everything that happens to us, but please don’t ever tell me everything happens for a reason.
-Most importantly, we can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness. (this one I have a great appreciation for)
If life truly is a journey and not a destination then I guess at this juncture I would describe me and my journey as perfectly imperfect. How would you describe yours?
-A true friend walks in the door when the rest of the world is walking out.
-Life is hard, but we need to enjoy it b/c our time here is limited and could run out tomorrow
-That we aren’t meant to “understand” everything that happens to us, but please don’t ever tell me everything happens for a reason.
-Most importantly, we can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness. (this one I have a great appreciation for)
If life truly is a journey and not a destination then I guess at this juncture I would describe me and my journey as perfectly imperfect. How would you describe yours?
Monday, November 30, 2009
For the past several weeks I have had a terrible, and debilitating case of the mind flu (it's much worse than the swine flu).If you who have never experienced it, it is my sincere wish that you never do....for if a mind is a terrible thing to waste, then a wasted mind is a terrible thing to have. It involves racing thoughts, an inability to focus(refocus) on anything constructive. Try as I might, the negative thoughts, feelings and anxiety come back tenfold every time I think I have won; I begin to realize this is a never ending lifelong battle. I feel trapped, boxed in, claustrophobic and frozen. I try to move "in spite of" this chaotic mind, that is doing its best to cripple me but at times it hurts just to breath. The more I try to understand it, the worse it becomes. All attempts make me feel like Sisyphus, and my mind screams "Give up"; I hear it in my head over and over again, after all that would be easier. In the face of adversity isn't it always easier to give up? Certainly when I am pushing my body far beyond anything I thought I could do, it would be way easier to give up, to quit, but I don't do it then. I do 10 more boxjumps, I do one more rep, I get back on the bar and pull myself up despite agonizing lactic acid build up and the fact that my legs feel like cement. I continue to push myself past the breaking point, so why does the voice in my head dominate my thoughts and cripple me now? Why are all the negative thoughts bouncing around faster than atoms in the hadron supercollider?
I try to rally around a lesson I learned from Charlie Plumb some time ago. That very often we build our own prisons, and the six inch prison cell b/w our ears is every bit as debilitating and painful as any real prison could ever be. Everything we do is a choice, and if we want, we can choose to give up , after all its just one more choice. However if we do give up we are letting go of the last of the human freedoms, which is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way as Viktor Frankl once said. I try to make that choice, to choose my attitude, but fail. I tell myself that at the very least by trying I have made a choice, and have not given up that last of human freedoms. And yet the supercollider continues to spin, in a very real way creating black hole that is sucking me in. As I sit on the event horizon of this abyss of misery, despair and loneliness I try to recall anything that makes me happy--I try to choose. I recall my nephews laugh, my nieces immeasurable cuteness, or even her smile. I battle back; I make a choice. The pull doesn't let go, and I'm exhausted. I lie there and wonder why no matter long I spend staring at and talking to the ceiling it offers me nothing in return. And now I wait, for the next round to begin.
I try to rally around a lesson I learned from Charlie Plumb some time ago. That very often we build our own prisons, and the six inch prison cell b/w our ears is every bit as debilitating and painful as any real prison could ever be. Everything we do is a choice, and if we want, we can choose to give up , after all its just one more choice. However if we do give up we are letting go of the last of the human freedoms, which is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way as Viktor Frankl once said. I try to make that choice, to choose my attitude, but fail. I tell myself that at the very least by trying I have made a choice, and have not given up that last of human freedoms. And yet the supercollider continues to spin, in a very real way creating black hole that is sucking me in. As I sit on the event horizon of this abyss of misery, despair and loneliness I try to recall anything that makes me happy--I try to choose. I recall my nephews laugh, my nieces immeasurable cuteness, or even her smile. I battle back; I make a choice. The pull doesn't let go, and I'm exhausted. I lie there and wonder why no matter long I spend staring at and talking to the ceiling it offers me nothing in return. And now I wait, for the next round to begin.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Dear Representative Polito
I was checking the roll call on the vote for an interim replacement for Senator Kenndy’s seat and noticed you did not cast a vote (at least not that I saw, if I missed it please excuse my oversight) and was wondering why a vote was not cast, and where you stood on the issue? I know as a state rep. you are extremely busy and may not have time to reply to each and every email you receive but this issue, to me anyway, exemplifies exactly what is wrong with the way the Commonwealth is being run.
150 years ago in his famous work On Liberty John Stuart Mill warned that “Like other tyrannies, the tyranny of the majority was at first, and is still vulgarly, held in dread, chiefly as operating through the acts of the public authorities.” From representative governments inception in ancient Greece there has always been the fear that a majority could “legally” impose its will on and place its interests so far above that of anyone who dissents that the dissenting become oppressed. Plato warned against in the Ancient world, Alexis de Tocqueville coined the phrase the “tyranny of the majority” in his masterpiece Democracy in America, and John Stuart Mill eloquently warns against it in his utilitarian works. What we have here in Massachusetts is nothing short of a “tyranny of the majority” (TOTM).
These same representatives only a few years ago passed this law to prevent the governor at the time, Mitt Romney, from appointing an interim Senator should Kerry’s seat become available. This was nothing but partisan politics, they did not want a republican possibly getting a coveted Senate seat. Now only five years later, these same men and women, want to repeal a law that they passed so that Governor Patrick can appoint someone to the seat vacated by Senator Kennedy’s passing. To call it anything but an ultimate exercise in hypocrisy is naieve at best, ignorant at worst. The Massachusetts state legislature has become the TOTM that Plato, De Tocqueville, and Mill all warned against. They are putting their own self interest so far above the interest of the individuals who disagree that it has become an act of active oppression. They have become the “kingmakers” of the medieval world, rather than responsible representatives of the citizen body.
It is my sincere hope that you do not agree with the representatives who support this bill.
Sincerely
Craig from Shrewsbury
I was checking the roll call on the vote for an interim replacement for Senator Kenndy’s seat and noticed you did not cast a vote (at least not that I saw, if I missed it please excuse my oversight) and was wondering why a vote was not cast, and where you stood on the issue? I know as a state rep. you are extremely busy and may not have time to reply to each and every email you receive but this issue, to me anyway, exemplifies exactly what is wrong with the way the Commonwealth is being run.
150 years ago in his famous work On Liberty John Stuart Mill warned that “Like other tyrannies, the tyranny of the majority was at first, and is still vulgarly, held in dread, chiefly as operating through the acts of the public authorities.” From representative governments inception in ancient Greece there has always been the fear that a majority could “legally” impose its will on and place its interests so far above that of anyone who dissents that the dissenting become oppressed. Plato warned against in the Ancient world, Alexis de Tocqueville coined the phrase the “tyranny of the majority” in his masterpiece Democracy in America, and John Stuart Mill eloquently warns against it in his utilitarian works. What we have here in Massachusetts is nothing short of a “tyranny of the majority” (TOTM).
These same representatives only a few years ago passed this law to prevent the governor at the time, Mitt Romney, from appointing an interim Senator should Kerry’s seat become available. This was nothing but partisan politics, they did not want a republican possibly getting a coveted Senate seat. Now only five years later, these same men and women, want to repeal a law that they passed so that Governor Patrick can appoint someone to the seat vacated by Senator Kennedy’s passing. To call it anything but an ultimate exercise in hypocrisy is naieve at best, ignorant at worst. The Massachusetts state legislature has become the TOTM that Plato, De Tocqueville, and Mill all warned against. They are putting their own self interest so far above the interest of the individuals who disagree that it has become an act of active oppression. They have become the “kingmakers” of the medieval world, rather than responsible representatives of the citizen body.
It is my sincere hope that you do not agree with the representatives who support this bill.
Sincerely
Craig from Shrewsbury
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