Remeberance

I was working third shift that fateful Tuesday morning. Ironically it was one of those September days only someone from the north east could truly appreciate. You see as August turns into September most people in the area accept that as summer coming to an end. The days are noticeably shorter/colder, the kids are back in school, and the weekends are dominated by dreams of October baseball as well as the start of football. The leaves have not yet begun to turn, but the change in the air is palpable. Just as we are resigned to those facts we inevitably get one or two days that remind us of July. A day of brilliant sunshine and gentle zephyrs that force us to scramble for one more round of golf, one more day at the beach/pool, or to call in sick to work to do these things. That Tuesday was one of those days. The sun hung high. The mercury rose even early in the morning. I considered playing golf and ducked out of work at 7AM in order to do so. Unable to convince anyone to bang in to work ,I stopped at McDonalds, grabbed a handful of breakfast burritos and hash browns then headed home.



I began channel surfing and happened to skip over CNN around quarter to nine as they switched to live coverage in NYC about an “accident” involving a place and the WTC. I remember Paula Zahn discussing what she could see from CNN HQ and when they finally put a camera on the WTC I only had one thought in my mind…..there was no way that was an accident. The plane didn’t clip the WTC, or hit the antenna, it was dead in the middle of it. I have always been a cynic, and refused to believe that what the world was now seeing could have been anything but deliberate.



Shortly thereafter cameras captured the second plane crashing in to the second tower. The silence on the broadcast was deafening. My heart sunk. Selfishly I began to think about my friends who worked in and around NYC. I tried calling them to see if they were safe but couldn’t get through. Nothing but a busy signal. It was now even more evident that the United States was under attack in the most vile and despicable way imaginable. My brother called me and asked what I knew bc he was only hearing rumors at work. He was working at the Prudential building in Boston at the time and I told him if I were him I would get the hell out there. That this was no mistake. That there seemed to be a plot in place to hijack planes and crash them in to tall buildings. The call only lasted a minute or two but I couldn’t help but think how many other people must be having similar conversations…..sadder still how many people were never given the chance to.



As the day’s events continued to unfold the news broke about another plane crashing in to the Pentagon , another in Shanksville PA, and ultimately millions of us watched in abject horror as the twin Towers collapsed. I couldn’t help but jump to the conclusion that some Islamic jihadist must be behind all this. That bw “their” previous attempt to blow up the WTC , the embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya, only “they” would sink to this level of depravity. It must be their fault I thought; those radicals in the Middle East.



In history the middle east if often referred to as the cradle of civilization. I respectfully disagree. The only thing accurate about that contention is that many parts of the middle east are very much like an infant. A penchant for temper tantrums, an inability to form rational thoughts or put together a cogent argument. Not in any way self reliant, but rather reliant upon the politics of fear and hate mongering. For many the only message they spew is hate/intolerance; the only language they understand is violence. On 11 September 2001 “they” made this pronouncement to the world and in so doing thought they could break America, but they were wrong.



While America’s loss was tremendous that day; our resolve was greater. Whether those that hate us will ever realize it or not, America is the single greatest country on earth unified by a common bond and desire to be the best, the last best hope of man on Earth. America is benevolent beyond measure. Whenever tragedy strikes, who is there? Who leads the battle against man kinds terrible afflictions such as cancer and HIV? What country does more for the well being of others across the globe? Who led the charge on the beaches of Normandy and Okinawa to rid the world of brutal despots? Flying planes in to buildings will not and cannot change that. America continues to shine as a beacon of freedom and hope for the rest of the world. And no amount of hatred, no matter how it manifests itself, will ever change that. GOD BLESS AMERICA

Demons

You can never out run your demons. You're not fast enough. Ironically they're every bit as fast as you, no slower. No faster. Just quick enough to keep pace and be in your face just when you think you've won. This revelation only came to me after a tireless night resurrected demons of mine from a galaxy far, far, away and a time darker than a black hole; enveloping everything so that light/hope couldn't even escape.

It had been some time since I had battled said demons and I couldn’t help but ask why they had rallied. I searched for answers but none were forthcoming. Then it hit me like a swift kick to the nuts....our demons are there to test us. To keep us honest and even to motivate us. They can absolutely bring out the very best or the very worst in us. I know in my heart that no one I love has ever seen the very worst of me; a part of me I loathe to admit exists. The anger and rage is always there , boiling just beneath the surface like a certain doctor exposed to too many gamma rays, and while that isn’t the case for us all demons manifest themselves in a litany of different ways for each one of us. For some it's an addiction to drinking, drugs or even food, some its anxiety or self doubt, others it’s an ability to believe they are deserving of love or able to accept it, then there are those amongst us who are haunted by a touch of all the aforementioned things sprinkled in with a dash of really dark personal times. I have found the most constructive choice one can make is to use the demons as motivation. To "transform and transmogrify" yourself in to the polar opposite of what our demons would have us believe we are, because fuck them, that’s why. They tell you that you're weak; work until you are the hulk. They tell you that you are undeserving; devote your life to being a loyal friend, good husband or wife, a caring parent/uncle/aunt. They tell you are that you're not worthy of love, continue to cultivate that love for those around you who are deserving and one day someone will overwhelm you with a huge heart of their own that they are willing to give to you, one that will turn on a light inside you , that you thought was forever extinguished.

The truth is we all battle demons and we are all at least a little bit fucked up so stop beating yourself up for it or thinking you’re the only one. Anyone that would have you believe otherwise is either a liar or never took a chance in their life. That person you admire for "having it all together" doesn't, trust me, no one does. Appearance isn't always reality, and using myself as an example, if you think I have it together well then (insert Kramer voice) you're waaaayyy off. Truth is most days I'm one step away from cutting my fuckin ear off, but I can admit that and knowing who you are is invaluable. I will admit there is safety in never taking chances. You'll never get hurt, emotionally or physically, but you'll never really live either. And while demons may test or torture your soul, an isolated and insulated existence deadens it. What you must do is stare them dead in the eye, for demons are no different than the play ground bully. They cannot win a confrontation, but they will indefinitely chase, so choose confrontation. Besides we all know how much I like to run.

Look into my eyes, its where my demons hide….and I am stronger for it

Equal means Equal....

As the equal sign circulated around Facebook today, and the whirl wind of status updates, first in support and I saw at least one against, dominated the news feed it got me thinking that debating gay marriage feels like debating the merits of slavery, to me at least. Quite simply if you are against allowing same sex marriage, you are an asshole. That's all I have for you. Very much like slavery, by taking a stand against gay marriage you are saying an entire cross section of people are not your equal and are not entitled to the same rights and protections as you are. What an incredibly close minded and un-American thing to believe. Slavery held on to those same principles. That one class of people was superior to another, and therefore were entitled to certain rights that slaves were not. It was close minded, arrogant, ignorant and offensive. I would like to have someone please articulate to me the reasons why gay marriage should be illegal. Its laughable and in the words of Jim Jeffries "if you're against gay marriage, don't marry a gay person. That'll show 'em". It has nothing at all to do with you and please spare me the sanctity of marriage crap. First of all the divorce rate pretty much destroys the idea that marriage is an institution that is beyond reproach or needs protecting from those crazy people who are in love but just happen to have the same wedding tackle. And do not even come at me with the bible or anything related to the church. For one thing that book would have us believe the earth is roughly two thousand years old, that evolution is not a scientific fact, and that a carpenter , conceived by a virgin, died for our sins then rose again a few days after. Magic. If you're religious , have at it, that's you're right and I'd happily fight to the death to protect it. And I apologize if I have insulted you. But you must realize it's a two way street, you must be willing to fight for the protection of those who you don't agree with as well, not condemn them and deprive them of equal protection under the law. If two good looking guys wanna get married look at the upside TST (tony same sex marriage tony) will be happy,and there is less competition for the beautiful women of the world. And if two beautiful women wanna get married look at the upside, more eye candy on the golf course and it makes for a nice visual. And if two ugly people wanna get married (no matter the sex) just be thankful that you aren't one of them. I am kidding of course (to a degree) but who the fuck are you to tell someone who they can and can't marry? Perhaps then you believe in arranged marriages too? I mean, you better believe in them bc given your level of arrogance and closed mindedness an arranged marriage may be needed for you to find someone of the opposite sex to marry you. I am sure that'll work out for you of course bc you hold the institution of marriage in such high regard you would clearly never get a divorce, or cheat on your mail order bride. I've always believed that intelligent people can (and often do) disagree. However, the debate over gay marriage makes me question the voracity of that belief, although it is altogether possible those so adamantly against it just simply are not intelligent. Maybe they are unaware that as Americans "we hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness". No more than you can deprive someone of their Life or Liberty can you deprive them of that pursuit of Happiness and when that Happiness comes from marrying someone of the same sex it is entitled to the same rights and protections. Most of us spend our lives searching, yearning to find that one person who makes us happy and when we find that person the last thing anyone needs is interference from an arrogant, closed minded portion of the population especially when you consider that making the choice to marry someone of the same sex was incredibly brave to begin with.

Thankful always

Ive never been a fan of thanksgiving which is odd given the fact that I love football, beer and eating like a teenage girl who just got dumped (thanks JoeShea). I hate turkey, and the only thing I like stuffing is…..well some things are better left unsaid. I guess I just feel that we should be thankful every day. We shouldn’t set aside one day and be any more thankful than the next. However, in the spirit of the day I wanted to take a minute and formally recognize the thing(s) I am most thankful for in my life (besides Budweiser, Orange Crush, bacon, candy, cookies and slush puppies).

In one word, friends, that’s what I am most thankful for. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I am the luckiest son of a bitch on earth having the family that I do, and I recognize that. we have been through a lot together; we have done a lot together; and god willing will make many more memories together. They are my family and I love them, in return the love me. That’s what family does, it is expected even if it is sometimes not deserved.

With friends it is different. These are people who are in your life bc they choose to be, not because they share a last name or deoxyribonucleic acid. And to me that is a big deal if for no other reason than I am admittedly a bit of an acquired taste. Frequently loud and offensive; never shy to share my opinion; confident if not arrogant. I am me. Flawed. Imperfect. Abrasive. These people who are my friends have made a conscious choice to be a part of my life and me a part of theirs. For reasons beyond my ability to understand. Many of these people have literally rescued me from the depths of hell. Stood by in times so dark, so challenging that these empty words could never quantify it; they quite literally saved me from myself (especially during the fall/winter of 1999, Angela, Sully, Wood , Sexton—hell all of 59 Eaton). While loyalty is certainly something I hold paramount above all else, blind loyalty is more destructive than it is supportive. A true friend comes to you and tells you to when you need to sort it out. It doesn’t come from a lack of compassion, sympathy or even true empathy…it comes from a genuine concern for you as a person and a friend.

My friends, my family have no equals. I say that not out of conceit or arrogance but out of pride and gratitude. Some days I hate myself for putting them through hard times that had absolutely nothing to do with them, but maybe that’s the wee bit of irish in me, after all no irish is whole without some self loathing. I try to remind myself frequently how thankful I am or should be for being surrounded by the people that I am, bc if you surround yourself with great people there is NOTHING you cannot overcome. Believe that; I know it to be true. So not just today, but every day, take some time to be thankful bc if not but for the grace of god any one of us could have been born into situations infinitely worse, our worst days are better than the best days for 99% of this world and we all need to do better recognizing that daily not just the 4th Thursday of November.

So from the bottom of my heart thank you

Sent from my iPhone

Tortured soul mate

There’s nothing like another soul that’s been cut up the same. True story, albeit a bit morose. What I mean is we find (odd) comfort in meeting someone who has struggled like we have, or has been through life challenges on the same level as us. I cannot speak for everyone, hell on most days I can barely speak for myself, but I truly believe people are just as happy finding a “tortured soul” mate as they are a “soul mate”. There’s an odd kindred spirit shared bw those who have faced a struggle together; and the harder the struggle the stronger the bond. People share a sort of cosmic kinship when they get to know someone who battles the same demons, has overcome some of the same obstacles, encountered the same heart ache, or meet someone who can actually empathize with our experience/journey and not just sympathize. But why is that? Is it true that misery loves company? Are we the fellowship of the miserable? I think not, and I can speak somewhat authoritatively on this subject. Pardon the arrogance. Having been down what might euphemistically be referred to as the road less travelled, I say this without equivocation….it is understanding “we” seek, not company in our misery. To that end, there may be no better example of this than Holocaust survivors. They do not seek each other out in an effort to feel sorry for themselves or host pity parties. Instead there are holocaust survivor groups all over America (and the world) because as one survivor put it “"Because of our tragic past, we understand each other," (http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2012-01-10/news/fl-jjbs-fridman-0111-20120110_1_holocaust-survivor-leon-schagrin-student-awareness-days). Certainly none of us have ever faced a time as dark or as challenging as that. God willing no one ever will again. I use it as an example not to minimalize or trivialize our own experience but rather to demonstrate the fact that there truly is nothing like another soul that’s been cut up the same. When we are able to relate with someone on that level we form an unbreakable bond, one formed through shared experience/suffering that someone who has not had that experience can possibly understand. Ask yourselves why so many people do GORUCK challenges, Tough Mudders etc… Is it just to test you? Or is part of it bc you bond with other people during that shared experience, that those who have not faced that test can relate to? Ask yourself if you would have done it alone. Shared suffering forges bonds; suffering alone suffocates the soul and can break the spirit. Trust me, nothing hurts more than that. There are countless stories of POW’s, who when removed from their fellow POWs and are isolated quickly deteriorate, some to the point of no return. We need understanding. We seek it out with every ounce of our being and when we cannot find it we feel, or at least I feel, like a caged animal, slowly suffocating with each passing breath feeling more labored. Understanding, true understanding, is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. And we can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness. There are things or times so dark that others may never truly be able to understand about us, but those people who give a fuck enough to try, they are our sunrise, they are our miracle.

Doubting Thomas

Four benadryl, 3 melatonin, a shot of nyquil and hours later I lay here listening to every heart beat while engaging in a staring contest with the ceiling. There are too many questions, more than there are stones in the Great Wall of China, the bigger problem being is that there is only one answer that plays like a broken record over and over again inside my head....it's you. The most powerful adversary on earth is the doubting Thomas within. It has the ability to cripple me. I question everything. Each decision, every choice is put under more microscopes than Magic Johnson's blood work and it always brings me back to that answer "it's you, you're fault". The DT within makes me feel rudderless, lost in the vast expanse of the ocean, not knowing how it happened or how to right the ship. There are times its voice drowns out everything else. It relentlessly mocks me. Who do you think you are? You're not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, intelligent enough. Why are you surprised? I have no answers, which only makes it worse. I try to combat it with empirical evidence to the contrary, diplomas, degrees, achievements, friendships, but to no avail. It's 3AM, I pick up the phone and it's LED screen shines in the darkness like the lighthouse at Alexandria, hurting my eyes and only waking me up more. Besides who was I gonna call at this hour? No one wants to hear from me. Wait was that the Doubting Thomas talking or was it me? Confusion sets in, the questions continue like a relentless siege on my sanity and self worth. We all have self doubt, no matter how confident we may outwardly appear. Any one that tells you differently is either lying or has never cared enough about anything or anyone. The doubting Thomas within us is like the force in Star Wars; it can be used for good or evil. It can either push us harder or cripple us. We can use it as motivation or as an excuse to give up. It is a million times easier to do the latter of the two, but that is a disservice to ourselves and those around us. I am reminded of what Marianne Williamson once said: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? That’s the real question we must be asking ourselves. Rather than dwell on self doubt, perceived failures and short comings (or even the very real ones of which admittedly I have many) we must embrace who we are, what is we do well, what we bring to the table as friends, brothers, sons/daughters, wives and husbands. You get the point. Playing small does not serve the world around you. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. There is a fine line bw that and arrogance however, and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. In fact to a large degree we not only give them permission but we inspire them to do so. And as we are liberated from our own fear, we automatically liberate others as well. There is probably no greater gift you can give someone than that liberation. There is no more powerful adversary I face than me , and as I struggle to liberate myself from the doubting Thomas within, or at least redirect the self doubt into motivation, I hope that others around me are doing the same bc I am surrounded by some of the best and most uniquely talented people in this world. It would be a shame for anything to stop those lights from shining.

A beautiful disaster

Never thought I would post this, but want a friend, or friends, to know they aren't alone.... There are certain things we hide from the world, even from ourselves, because often labels are hard to understand, and even harder to shake once it is “put” on you. To those who know me best, it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to find out that I am bi-polar. I suppose my motivation for putting this ‘out there’ is b/c I want people to know that if they struggle like I did/do that they are not alone, someone, somewhere is always willing to listen. Secondly, it is my sincerest hope that , at least in the eyes of those who come across this (so like one person), that the stigma associated with the bi polar (or any other) label will change. It is an undesirable label to say the least, and certainly one of things most people try to hide from the world. But hiding from that label only makes it worse. It took me a VERY long time to admit that to the man in the mirror , even longer to the others around me. I went through shrinks faster than a cheeseburger goes through a dedicated paleo dieter. Each time I told myself it was them who had been wrong, who was Martin Kafka, a PhD, MD from Harvard known the world over, to tell me anything? Surely I could beat this guy at trivial pursuit, so that most mean I know better. How easy it is to convince yourself of something you want/need to believe. I could only hide for so long. In my writing, in my addiction to exercise, in my addictions in general (cookies, beer, sports, reading). I am an extreme extremist, and only when I could face my problem could I begin to understand it. You see , for me, understanding it meant getting better bc there is no magical pill, or therapy to cure bi polar disorder. Trust me I know, bc after finally acknowledging the problem, I tried everything over the course of several years to fix it….and none worked. In a way it’s a lot like CrossFit, there are varied degrees of suck, mixed in with feelings of invincibility. That’s the real problem with the illness, is that at times it can make you feel better than I could ever possibly convey to you with these hollow words. A different psychologist once asked me to explain it to her, as if she hadn’t heard it before. I hesitated, b/c I didn’t want to describe it to her b/c I felt like in so doing I would be accepting that label. A few weeks went by and finally I caved. Bi polar is a tricky thing I told her, b/c of how good it can make you feel sometimes.The best way I could describe it is that if we measured life on an emotional scale of 0-10, then "normal" people only feel the emotion range 3-7, whereas people with bi polar feel the emotional range 0-10. Mainly it is only lived in the 0-3 or the 8-10 range. The dizzying highs and terrifying lows are something no one else could possibly identify with. At times that feeling of invincibility, makes you feel like you could take over the world, that you can act without repercussion and make both Superman and Ironman your bitch at the same time; while the lows are so low, well I’ve written about that before. Then inexplicably that feeling is gone, and I am on top of the world again, no rhyme or reason for it at all. The swings are intense, unpredictable, but they are my "cross to bear" if you will. I would rather live with them, then feel like some doped up zombie who is emotionally empty, who is never up or down. After so many counseling sessions, I got sick of dealing with people who thought they understood simply b/c of the alphabet soup after their name (PhD, MD, LMHC etc etc).They didn't know how I felt, they only thought they knew. Their trite advice was of little to no help, and I felt all they wanted to do was diagnose, prescribe and move on to the next patient. So I stopped going altogether. In many ways I felt like, or continue to feel like, John Nash from A Beautiful Mind. I am not schizophrenic, or brilliant by any means, but I am reminded by the line in which the doctor tells Nash he can not reason his way out of it, and he says "why? Why can't I". That is how I try to deal with it. When I am low, I try to remind myself that I am "just being bi polar" and I go for a run, hit the gym, do some double unders (ok that never happens) but I do what I can to try and feel better. Exercise certainly helps alot, oddly enough I found fish oil to be extremely beneficial as well. I had never even tried fish oil until a friend bought me a bottle bc I tend to overdo it at the gym and she said it would help with joint pain, and overall health. After taking it for about 6 weeks I definitely noticed a difference in my shoulder and elbow feeling better, but also couldn’t help but notice that the man in the mirror was smiling back at me more than he had in quite awhile. My mood was more level that it normally was. However, nothing helps as much as having the single most valuable commodity on earth—great family and friends (to me they are the same. I’m fortunate my family are my friends and my friends are also my family). To that end it's more important to let friends who also struggle know that they are not alone, than it is to "protect" myself. I have heard numerous times someone say they feel like taking drugs is a sign of weakness and they don't want to be dependent on a bottle. Not only it is not a sign of weakness, it is quite the opposite. What would be weak would be choosing to continue to suffer rather than address it; what would be weak would be to worry about others perceptions of you; what is weak is writing something like this and not putting it out there sooner to offer support and as a friend and I am sorry for having let you down. What takes courage is staring down your demons and saying they will not win anymore. Moreover, if anyone ever said it was a sign of weakness I would be the first one to walk with you, side by side, heads held high, and come to your defense. Here I am. A beautiful disaster. At different times I am each in my eyes. But I am luckiest son of a bitch on earth that those close me choose to only see the first half. A debt which I cannot possibly repay. They know who they are, and I am eternally grateful for their rose colored lenses, b/c without them I would most certainly only be a disaster. Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.