I have been struggling the last several weeks to write. I had so many thoughts in my head that they were tangled like a rats nest that could not be unwoven, let alone made sense of. I would put sentences down two or three at a time and completely lose my train of thought. It wasn't lack of motivation or passion, I'd like to believe I have never lacked either. It can just be incredibly difficult for me sometimes to think what I have to say is worth putting out there......but I saw jelly beans in the store a couple of weeks ago and it reminded me of my grandmother, who i love and miss so much, especially on days like today. In any event, gramma always had jelly beans or some other kind of candy lying around for us. It was impossible not to smile in her presence. She was the warmest person I ever knew and I swear she kept the candy there just to make us smile. In her dining room, on a small end table, there would routinely be a dish of jelly beans (or maybe spice drops) and I would constantly sneak in a handful when I could.....which reminds me of this beautiful / amazing person I know who once listed stealing office candy as one of her strengths but I digress.

One Easter my gramma and I were talking about jelly beans, and we both said black was our favorite (I was only 17 and had yet to puke my fucking brains out from sambuca at Providence College....it would take me years to go back to black jelly beans). It was funny because we were both saying how it was great having the black ones be our favorite because most people hated them, so we could eat all the other jelly beans (just like everyone else) and after a while there would be nothing but black ones left which would be perfect since it was our favorite. I was smiling about this memory and talking to someone who I really care about / admire when I told them i was struggling to write this post and i came across this video. It was as if gramma and this other incredible woman worked in cosmic unison and directed me to it:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BOksW_NabEk

I was overcome with emotions that ran the gamut. Love. Regret. Loss. Self loathing and doubt. How had I been spending my time? Was it doing the right things? whatever the fuck that may be because I am not so sure I even know what they are anymore. I try really hard to do them...to be a good son, brother, friend, uncle, boyfriend, date, employee. But have I been doing them? I don't know but what I came to is this :


Worry less, do more.

 It's beauty outpaces it's simplicity. In so many ways each day is a jelly bean. Eat it. Enjoy it. Don't choke on it. You can't put it back in the jar. You can't ask for a different color if you get one you don't like. Those are like bad days. Chew it up. Don't waste time wishing you had a different color jelly bean. With a little bit of luck, and a lot of hard work,  your jar will be filled with mostly your favorite color (for your sake i hope it doesn't remind you of puking till you hit bile)....but sooner than you think the jar will also be empty. Don't give up. Ever. Don't be afraid to be happy and to that end don't run from anything out of fear, ANYTHING, especially from love, people you care about and those who care about you. Like, no LOVE, the black jelly bean. See beauty where others miss it, find pleasure in things others won't try, appreciate genius in insanity, discover and celebrate a big heart where others would never think to look. We will never know what we have if we are afraid to have it and we can't spend our lives waiting to live....