A beautiful disaster

Never thought I would post this, but want a friend, or friends, to know they aren't alone.... There are certain things we hide from the world, even from ourselves, because often labels are hard to understand, and even harder to shake once it is “put” on you. To those who know me best, it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to find out that I am bi-polar. I suppose my motivation for putting this ‘out there’ is b/c I want people to know that if they struggle like I did/do that they are not alone, someone, somewhere is always willing to listen. Secondly, it is my sincerest hope that , at least in the eyes of those who come across this (so like one person), that the stigma associated with the bi polar (or any other) label will change. It is an undesirable label to say the least, and certainly one of things most people try to hide from the world. But hiding from that label only makes it worse. It took me a VERY long time to admit that to the man in the mirror , even longer to the others around me. I went through shrinks faster than a cheeseburger goes through a dedicated paleo dieter. Each time I told myself it was them who had been wrong, who was Martin Kafka, a PhD, MD from Harvard known the world over, to tell me anything? Surely I could beat this guy at trivial pursuit, so that most mean I know better. How easy it is to convince yourself of something you want/need to believe. I could only hide for so long. In my writing, in my addiction to exercise, in my addictions in general (cookies, beer, sports, reading). I am an extreme extremist, and only when I could face my problem could I begin to understand it. You see , for me, understanding it meant getting better bc there is no magical pill, or therapy to cure bi polar disorder. Trust me I know, bc after finally acknowledging the problem, I tried everything over the course of several years to fix it….and none worked. In a way it’s a lot like CrossFit, there are varied degrees of suck, mixed in with feelings of invincibility. That’s the real problem with the illness, is that at times it can make you feel better than I could ever possibly convey to you with these hollow words. A different psychologist once asked me to explain it to her, as if she hadn’t heard it before. I hesitated, b/c I didn’t want to describe it to her b/c I felt like in so doing I would be accepting that label. A few weeks went by and finally I caved. Bi polar is a tricky thing I told her, b/c of how good it can make you feel sometimes.The best way I could describe it is that if we measured life on an emotional scale of 0-10, then "normal" people only feel the emotion range 3-7, whereas people with bi polar feel the emotional range 0-10. Mainly it is only lived in the 0-3 or the 8-10 range. The dizzying highs and terrifying lows are something no one else could possibly identify with. At times that feeling of invincibility, makes you feel like you could take over the world, that you can act without repercussion and make both Superman and Ironman your bitch at the same time; while the lows are so low, well I’ve written about that before. Then inexplicably that feeling is gone, and I am on top of the world again, no rhyme or reason for it at all. The swings are intense, unpredictable, but they are my "cross to bear" if you will. I would rather live with them, then feel like some doped up zombie who is emotionally empty, who is never up or down. After so many counseling sessions, I got sick of dealing with people who thought they understood simply b/c of the alphabet soup after their name (PhD, MD, LMHC etc etc).They didn't know how I felt, they only thought they knew. Their trite advice was of little to no help, and I felt all they wanted to do was diagnose, prescribe and move on to the next patient. So I stopped going altogether. In many ways I felt like, or continue to feel like, John Nash from A Beautiful Mind. I am not schizophrenic, or brilliant by any means, but I am reminded by the line in which the doctor tells Nash he can not reason his way out of it, and he says "why? Why can't I". That is how I try to deal with it. When I am low, I try to remind myself that I am "just being bi polar" and I go for a run, hit the gym, do some double unders (ok that never happens) but I do what I can to try and feel better. Exercise certainly helps alot, oddly enough I found fish oil to be extremely beneficial as well. I had never even tried fish oil until a friend bought me a bottle bc I tend to overdo it at the gym and she said it would help with joint pain, and overall health. After taking it for about 6 weeks I definitely noticed a difference in my shoulder and elbow feeling better, but also couldn’t help but notice that the man in the mirror was smiling back at me more than he had in quite awhile. My mood was more level that it normally was. However, nothing helps as much as having the single most valuable commodity on earth—great family and friends (to me they are the same. I’m fortunate my family are my friends and my friends are also my family). To that end it's more important to let friends who also struggle know that they are not alone, than it is to "protect" myself. I have heard numerous times someone say they feel like taking drugs is a sign of weakness and they don't want to be dependent on a bottle. Not only it is not a sign of weakness, it is quite the opposite. What would be weak would be choosing to continue to suffer rather than address it; what would be weak would be to worry about others perceptions of you; what is weak is writing something like this and not putting it out there sooner to offer support and as a friend and I am sorry for having let you down. What takes courage is staring down your demons and saying they will not win anymore. Moreover, if anyone ever said it was a sign of weakness I would be the first one to walk with you, side by side, heads held high, and come to your defense. Here I am. A beautiful disaster. At different times I am each in my eyes. But I am luckiest son of a bitch on earth that those close me choose to only see the first half. A debt which I cannot possibly repay. They know who they are, and I am eternally grateful for their rose colored lenses, b/c without them I would most certainly only be a disaster. Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.