I recently read a friends autobiography. It was about time he/she had spent traveling the country after their world came crashing down. It's the story of their personal "walk about" and the over arching theme I took away from it is that there is often a dialogue between the voice of our minds and the voice of our hearts. The heart and mind are often in conflict and "we" too often build a prison in the eight inches between our ears, we let our mind win, and that's the wrong choice. Inside my own prison I have come to realize that hell is my favorite place to go through, but too often I stay and visit.
I believe my friend Napoleon had it right; there is a war that is constantly being waged between my heart and my mind. The irresistible force against the immovable object. I recognize this but there are moments I feel powerless to stop it. Upon finishing his book, which I am thankful to have been given such a personal look in to their journey, troubles and redemption, I did a lot of thinking. To this day, I would say reflecting on my entire life the thing I am most proud of isnt any PR from the gym, it isn't some of the obvious and difficult obstacles I've overcome, it isn't even the incredible friendships I've been blessed to have formed, it's that, in the end, I always follow my heart...even if it frequently may bring pain. I think, actually I know, that's the right thing to do. I would never want to look back at any period in my life and say I let my the voice of my mind overcome that of my heart. That I "reasoned" my way out of, or away from, what I was truly feeling.
I'm proud of the fact I've let my heart navigate my journey. I came here to get hurt. We all did, (or at least we all should) whether we can admit it or not. It’s an unavoidable, shitty part of the human experience. To be free, we must be vulnerable. Otherwise we act based on fear, and by definition that is not being free. This is my life and all these feelings I’ve shared have come at a cost. It’s the price of admission on this ride. Or as more eloquently put “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
For some that feeling can bring anxiety and fear. That fear causes us to build that prison in the eight inches between our ears. There is no penance there, but much to be learned. In that prison, fear, anxiety and self doubt often dominate. They weigh us down like chains, but your chains will never fall until you do. Everything that holds us down , these "chains", this yoke of grief, anxiety, fear and self doubt ... we cannot shake them until we fall.....and then leave them "on the floor"(read in Sharps South Agrican accent) when we get back up. When we rise again, we are free....and that's what love is.
I don't think it's accurate to say we fall in love, we rise in it. We become better. We become stronger. It may be something as simple as a smile that going a day without seeing isn't something we are willing to bare. In pursuit of that smile we do things like chase down delivery vehicles, make cheesy videos, leave notes in unsuspecting places, send flowers (or cookies) just to see it, because to us that person’s smile is the closest evidence we’ve ever seen that God may exist and in that smile we find peace, happiness and even redemption. That smile can make you feel like your whole life isn’t nearly enough time to spend with someone. We don't fall in love, we rise in it. It makes us better. It makes us stronger. I've been there when the mind says, don't do it, it's too risky, walk/run away....but I didn't listen, I never listen, bc my heart said you're here to love, to feel emotions, a robotic existence is contrary to everything you truly believe in, besides Craig you HATE RUNNING!
While discussing this with my friend Angela, who has known me for two decades and has a unique perspective into who I am, having been there for me from college through adult hood, we came to the realization that we are both a rare combination of intense and quixotic. The realization hit home. It's a beautiful but dangerous thing. I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about her point, even discussing it with another friend who has only known me a short time, but in that time has become like family. He pointed out to me that in many ways too often my life has reflected the Dickens narrative of Great Expectations on a number of levels. I was surprised he had even read a book (then found out he saw the movie, which makes way more sense) but his insight was powerful....and surprising...it had to be the "medicine" talking bc minutes after, when we went inside, he walked through the kitchen and in to the bathroom looking for something to drink; the best part of the weekend was the look of utter confusion on his face upon not finding something to drink in the bathroom as if that was where it should have been ....and no there's nothing wrong w a brotalk under the stars, it's not gay unless there's eye contact haha (not that there's anything wrong w that!!!!).
Tangential side note:it's no secret that Gaslight Anthem is my favorite band ever, and for a long time my favorite song by them was Great Expectations, and not for the happiest of reasons. It's a brilliant but powerfully sad song, especially the chorus. Download it, if you don't like it I'll buy you a drink.
Angela was right. That was one of the most difficult sentences I have ever typed. I am, admittedly, an intense and quixotic person. It's just who I am. I couldn't control it even if I tried. Everything I do, I do at full speed. Careful is not a pace at which i travel. I remember an exact moment in time when I told someone that I was completely defenseless against their smile. That there was nothing I wouldn't do to see it; and once seeing it I could never be mad. I remember being asked "doesn't that scare you?" (Napoleon's lesson manifesting itself perfectly).
I said “I don’t know that it scares me. I gotta trust that you’d use those powers for good, not evil, and besides self preservation was never my strong suit (just ask anyone about golf carts I've crashed or stairs I've traversed in a shopping cart). I’d gladly do anything for those I care about no matter the cost”. And I meant it. Self preservation is not my strong suit.
I suppose it has its drawbacks in the eyes of some, but not to me. It beats the hell out of the alternative. The way things are approached now is so ephemeral. For all the amazing advances technology has brought us to better our lives it has effectively ruined dating or dare I even say love.
People meet someone, go out with them, maybe even “fall for them” but it’s not real, because nothing fucking is. People are disposable. We treat each other like a pair of sunglasses (oh bro don’t forget your shades). We love them at first, even take endless selfies in or with them but no matter how good they look on us, no matter how much we like them, no matter how good they fit….. people feel the need to look at a different pair, simply to see how we look in something else. It’s tragic, and reckless. I want no part of it.
It seems people try something else on because we can, ordering another person is easier than ordering new sunglasses, no credit card required! But we also do this because we are afraid. Afraid someone may see our imperfections and not accept them, or maybe we noticed something imperfect in them and felt we had to try something else on. The irony being everyone says they want to be known but we do not let ourselves be known. However, we need to let someone see our imperfections, our cracks, to know if they will ever truly accept us. And while we may not need someone to make us complete, let's be honest having someone who sees the cracks in your soul as a place to pour their love in to is the most calming thing in this world. This can only happen if we follow the voice of our heart.
And "that person" that so many claim to be looking for , our "soulmate", isn't this perfect person everyone has idealized in their head. It is a person who is just as flawed, just as cracked (maybe even more so) as the rest of us, ....it's just that their cracks are different and if we learn to accept them, and them us, they can alter our reality; challenge us in ways no one ever has before, thereby making us better. It is someone who marks a before and after in your life. They say things like "no more facts today Craig" or "you have three sentences to sum it up for me" full well knowing they are the only person on Earth that could get away with saying that, and saying it with a smile that consumed my soul. And that smile becomes more intoxicating than any drug could ever be.....so much so that everyday is approached with only one question: how can I make her smile today? Bc she said more with her smile and her eyes than I ever could with all the words in all the world; and you find that in their smile and joy, your own becomes immeasurable.
But we will never know that feeling, the beautiful reality altering high, if we are always looking at a different pair of sunglasses, or seeing cracks in someone as imperfections instead of a place to pour our love, or listening to the voice of our mind over the voice of heart. And we cannot wait until we are "ready"; there is only now......or as Hugh Laurie said it's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that no one is ever ready for anything. There is almost no such thing as ready so you may as well do it now. Generally speaking now is as good a time as any.
There is only now. Follow your heart.
(Special thanks to Napoleon Zimmerman whose story made me feel not only less alone, but reinforced the critical importance of listening to the voice of our heart, in so doing, regardless of the outcome, we can be sure we made the right choice).
