Under the same moon

Hello darkness my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again. In these restless dreams I walk alone, cause I’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies. You know Moon, there was a time I felt that if I stretched out my hands, I was convinced I could conjure angels, yeah, I was pretty sure I was bulletproof. Ya know, living would be easy if we never had to bleed. Life has left me blindly here to stand and still not sleeping. My weariness amazes me, I’m leveled on my feet and have no one to meet cause the lights in this town, they don’t brighten up anything. I know there is someone out there feeling just like I feel and I know they’re waiting up, I know they’re waiting to heal. We've been holding our breath for too many years to count. It feels like we’ve waited for sirens that never come, and now I only write by the moon to try and ease the loss and all these nights I’ve missed you. These pages plead forgiveness.

In the cold night the Moon reminded me “Craig, broken crayons still color but these mountains you’re carrying, you were only supposed to climb.”.

"But what can I keep to myself, if I tell you my hell? What would be left to take to my grave?" I asked, continuing "Do you want me to tell you how some thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind? Moon, I swear my love was an arsonist; her eyes deep set in avarice. Red lips like a tomb I could never get out of. I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my first wife; everybody leaves and I’d expect this much from you. I had a dream about my whole life, and everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn’t you? There’s a hole in me now, like the windshield was taken out. I know everybody is hurt, and mine ain’t the worst, but it’s mine and I am feeling it now. I am trying to learn to live with it until I am free from this shadow that hangs….surely you wonder sometimes? Surely you can sympathize? I met a girl with a taste for the world but I could never get her to believe.

“The music goes on Craig, it's simply that when you’re happy you enjoy the music but when you’re crushed you understand the lyrics.” the moon explained.

How much time do you think that we have? If I wanted to I could start over again, let the good night decide who she wants me to find. You know every night I would race the moon and fall for her; even with her heart under lock & key I’d walk back up those steps, with no regrets, just for a chance to breathe that fire again. Tonight, as I look up at the moon I know that somewhere she is looking at it too and as long as we are under the same moon…..we’re never that far apart.

“Craig, have you ever watched the sun set?  I mean really watched it? Isn’t that proof that endings can be beautiful too?”  The moon said.

In the last hours before the sunrise, I’m not sure if I passed out or closed my eyes but I woke into a dream where I know I knew you.  I used to die, every night, in your honor, like a self-conscious ritual, but tonight this ends. I’m forgiving what I’ve done. So, if you're gonna break my heart…it might as well be tonight, and if I never see you again, have a round on me love....nobody wins.

Misuse of imagination

The only thing that separates us from animals is imagination, not reason, but imagination. Watch an apex predator hunt, and you can see reason and even deductive logic at work. I’ve seen a monkey use a rock as a hammer, making it more mechanically inclined than my dad ever was. Imagination, however, is limit-less. It has allowed us to build great-big-ungodly things. Imagination is at the center of every crowning achievement of mankind; it was, after all, imagination that allowed us to slip the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of God when we dared to explore space. 

It was none other than Einstein who noted imagination is more important than knowledge, knowledge is limited, but imagination encircles the world. But it is a double edged sword; or sticking with an Einstein theme, imagination has its own anti-matter.  Anxiety. Worry is a misuse of imagination. I read that a few days ago and have not been able to let go of the powerful brilliance in that simple sentence. Worry is misuse of imagination.

I get anxiety. Literally. I am not simply saying I get it as in I understand it and sympathize, but that I have had anxiety attacks myself and am able to empathize. One of the biggest challenges with this misuse of imagination is nobody else can see it; it’s something underneath my skin. Anxiety is like a thunderstorm,  but I mean a real fuckin thunder storm, not a New England one.... one from tornado alley. It comes out of nowhere and builds up to terrific violence without warning. Immediately you're painfully aware that you're not in Kansas anymore, and though you yearn for the peace and serenity of the plains you're trapped in a swirling vortex of entropy. Your heart rate accelerates from 0-ludicrous speed in the blink of an eye;  your mind races along at 3.0x10^8 meters/second, yet ironically comes to a complete stop, a paradox that only complicates things further until the mind fuck is complete. You feel completely and utterly alone.It hurts just to breathe. You want to ask for help, but can’t get enough air to utter those four simple letters. H-E-L-P. Suffocating under a burden that can be neither seen nor understood, everything goes dark. Your imagination crosses over the event horizon and light (hope) can no longer be seen. Cornered. You can feel the walls closing in until you’re trapped in a six inch prison between your ears. Reason and rational thought left this place a long time ago. Darkness and demons remain; they feed off of the self doubt, becoming stronger with each negative thought.

What makes anxiety even more difficult to battle is the fact that modern society exacerbates this misuse of imagination. As Sebastian Junger noted in his book Tribe, in tribal/primitive societies suicide was nonexistent. However, in today’s world one can go through an entire day of life essentially alone. That’s hard on our psyche. No primate, no matter how evolved or primal, survives alone. In that truth lies the only remedy. The realization that we aren’t alone or meant to be. In today’s world where it’s possible to go days or weeks without any real human interaction it’s easy to forget that fact. Ironically, it’s been well documented that as affluence goes up, so does the rate of depression and anxiety. The socioeconomic groups with the highest rates of depression and anxiety are also the most affluent and least likely to be a victims of violent crime. Modern society hasn’t created more free time but rather a cycle of work, financial obligations and more work. Affluence, material possessions and even “safety” are not good trades for freedom – free time, and because of this we’ve learned to misuse imagination.

Perhaps if we came to the realization that at the end of life what really matters is not what we bought but what we built. Not what we got but what we shared. Not our competence but our character. Not our material success but our significance. We need to live a life that matters. A life of love. We are not here to survive; god don’t live the same year 88 times and call it a life. Live a life on fire, going mad with desire. Try not to misuse imagination. Find every reason something will work, instead of listing the reasons it won’t. As my favorite movie character ever, Maximus Decimus Meridius, said “imagine where you will be and it will be so”.

When all else fails, on particularly rough days when I am sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%......and that’s pretty good. After all as Buddha noted “A man who conquers himself is greater than one who conquers a thousand men in battle.”.

Open All Night

Here in the dark I cherish the moonlight;  the sky spins around w her diamonds on fire.

The moon must've felt my eyes gazing in the night and broke the silence asking "What's on the docket tonight? "

"Just my own sin." I said continuing "I got my heart up in a beautiful mess. I should’ve known better to wreck myself or to gamble while broke. I traded two steps forward for three steps back. Why do you think we prefer known hells to unknown heavens?"

"Craig - I can understand you need a minute to breathe and to sew up the seams, after all this defeat. You need to know what's beautiful is broken and grace is just the measure of a fall." The moon said.

"Moon, did you have it out for us? And the night and the stars the same? Did everything she touch turn to stone or die eventually? Or was it never seen the same again? I watched her steal the air, right from the atmosphere. Yeah, and this heart I had, she could never sympathize.  And while she held my hand…..I think I witnessed a crime.”. I whispered in the darkness.

“It's plain for me to see that now you're wide-eyed with a heart made full of fright and your eyes follow like tracers in the night. Sheltered, you try to keep the wolf back from the door but he wanders ever closer every night. And now he waits.....baying for blood.  “The moon insisted and then explained “Your task is not to seek love, but merely seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

“Then can you tell me why it seems everybody that I’ve ever known, they just ache all night and they wake up alone.  We wait in the dark for something to put us to sleep. We want love like it was a drug. But all I want is a little relief. Every heart I’ve held since….they were just painkillers to me. And now because of the shame associated with vulnerability, I am numbing myself completely. I have pills for this, tabs for that and something that used to resemble a soul. She was much in my hands as water or darkness or nothing can ever be held. I guess in life, it's just flashes that we own. Little snapshots, made of breath and of bone. And out here, in the dark,  alone…..they light up the sky.

I guess all this must've been comin' a long, long time, 39 years of nerves on fire. Nobody came and nobody saw; I made a wreck of myself with the headlights on.” I said.


"Lucky for you I'm open all night" the moon replied.

"Yea, but You can't make me whole" I said. "I have to find that on my own."

Somewhere along....something went off and I woke up with blood on my lips.

Here's looking at you, Kid (Part II)

“Some days I hideaway and wait for that rain to come”. I said.  “Pain is alive in a broken heart. The past never does go away. I suppose we were born to love and we're born to pay the price for our mistakes. Memories they can't be erased. You leave me in the dark. Recounting all my sins. You put words in my mouth. That I can barely speak. These feelings in my heart; are they enough to overcome? Or is this the end?

These mental wounds aren't healing; driving me insane. In all good faith and sentiment, I can't believe somehow, that I haven't died of grief or something since she left this town. At 3 AM and 4 AM, it's impossible to sleep. I'd do anything to hold her, to feel her next to me. I'm all sore eyes, and there are beasts at my backdoor, pulling out their claws. So I'll pop some pills, and whatever else they give me; if it stops the nightmares, it probably won’t kill me. If I slow it down I'll end up on one of my accusers knives. If only I stopped to tell her that I love her, under the moon light...

"Sleep doesn't help if it's your soul that's tired" the moon said "but I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You’re the angry boy, a bit too insane, but it’s time to stop icing over a secret pain.” the moon said.

“What do you know about pain?” I asked “You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you’re with ‘em? You meet and neither one of you even knew what hit ‘em? I can’t tell you what it really is, only what it feels like, and right now there’s a steel knife in my windpipe. I can’t breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight. Feels like I’m suffocating and right before I drown she resuscitates me. Is it bc she loves me or fucking hates me?

 

The moon interrupted me saying “God isn’t going to look you over for medals, degree or diplomas...but for scars”

You better tell nobody but God, all the things I’ve seen, but it feels like I’ve been beaten to death, now I’m just bleeding to death, with regret.

"I've been walking the beach tonight. Just trying to get it right. I sit here by the moon, cause I'd rather be alone, if I can't have her right now, I'll wait here.  Shed a tear bc I'm missing you, it’s a struggle to smile. Girl I think about you, every day now." I stood there, on a deserted beach, nothing but a hammock and my thoughts, I asked the moon to take me disappearing through the madness of mind, the foggy ruins of time, and out to the windy beach, far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow, where all memory and fate can be driven deep beneath the waves.  Let me forget about today until tomorrow. 

The moon noticed “it’s ironic that you’re on the beach, and soon heading out, because in many ways she reminds me of the sea....the way she came dancing towards you, wild and beautiful. And just when she was almost close enough to hold, she’d rush away again”.

“Don’t remind me” I replied. “You’re right. My darling is the restless sea. I'd like to ask her, has the night sky seen the same troubles as we? Tell me true, my love, the restless sea. It seems there are three things never satisfied. The grave, your heart, and mine. But will I you hold in my arms, where now only rust and sorrow lie, underneath the bounding main tonight? By now, I fear you've  forgotten about me, while kissing clouds and gods, I’ve been brought down to my knees. And yes, now, I’ve come to know this endless night. High above, my love, is the constellation light, which feels like your fingertips waving over me. Endless night, I know it well indeed. I built a room for you in the back of my mind, where the ravenous wolves and ghosts I know reside. You were/are amazing; you’re always on my mind. There were things that I did, just so I could feel anything. I put my head inside the jaws of a tiger, hoping he’d consume me. But I was spared, cause I have no heartbeat and now the air that I breathe is about to run out. Heart attacks and broken dreams....there's an S.O.S on the seas tonight...I tailed off

"You can't stop the feelings you have for someone" the moon said "You can't lie to yourself either. Your heart knows the truth all too well, but you’ll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end. ” the moon told me as I lay on deck, staring up at the night sky.

I swear I saw you dancing under the constellation light. I could feel you move and I catch myself like a spell falling under you. Every night there was a fire, in your chest and in my brain, your fingers on my fingertips. All I’ve ever needed was your hand in mine. I would give anything for the touch of your skin. Yes, I would burn here for years, up in desire.  What could make a woman like you, believe in a man such as me? Unworthy to sit at your foot or crown. Seems I can only let you down. What does it feel like inside? Does it hurt you at night? Or does it set you on fire? I know some men spend their lives chasing the accolades of pride. But that just never crossed my mind because you were always on my mind. I remember how you looked as you lay sleeping. I would stay awake there just to hear you breathing. I've accepted who you are, could you do just the same for me?

If you only exist now in my dreams, then don’t wake me up, bc thirty seconds after I wake, I remember where you are and my heart just up and breaks. If time could heal all these wounds, then god damn I’d wish my life away just for a sign of some relief . ”

"even the deepest scars in time will fade. When the pain is all but gone, when you finally sleep and awake, you'll see that despite the overwhelming odds tomorrow came." The moon reassured me. 

"I don't know. 'It's such a shame'.  I heard the wind say this morning, but  it’s time to go home now; I stand alone in this airport bar and gather thoughts to think, that if all I have now is one long road, it could drive a man to drink.  Staring at the bottom of this glass I can only hope one day it will last. See you when I close my eyes; I don't understand why everything I touch surely dies. But then I remember you, that smile, shining in all you do. And if you remembered me, you could save me from the way I tend to be. Then I catch myself, catching your scent on someone else, in this crowded space and it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

I take steps in your footsteps but they aren't getting me closer to what is left of the dreams of what I once claimed to know. Could you tell me again what you did this for?

You could be immature & selfish, but I don't mind. I'm just so tired of the empty sheets I sleep beside. I can only hope that one day you will believe in me as I believe in you. All my friends wanna get in to heaven, all I keep thinking is I was wish you were here. You might be an angel, or a devil....truth is....I don't know. But you are in fact, love, that's made me fall flat on my face. I know of no words that are enough to prove my love to you but there is a place only love can go. In my heart....you should always know.... there is a place ...only you can go.

" I understand" the moon said "but If you could soldier on, headstrong into the storm, I’ll be here waiting on the other side. Don’t look back; the road is long. The first days of the war are gone. Take back your former throne and turn the tide".

I wish I knew how?  This world rings with echoes of lives once lived but now are lost. Time spent wondering about tomorrow. If I thought it would help I would drive this plane in to the sea. If the fire and smoke and explosions could speak for me; the words that I used to try to explain how something inside of me started to break, but one by one my words just got in the way. How many times did I crash against the waves, with my head going under? So, I don't care if I lose it all tonight, up in flames, burning bright, warming the air of the world. I've been burned so near to death, that I probably won't live through it, anyhow. . . . but I never wanted to look back years from now and think how extraordinary it could have been. I’d prefer to tell of how fear tried to cheat me out of the best thing in life, and I didn’t let it.

"Craig, I know a secret, but you can never tell; I know who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. Sometimes you're up. Sometimes you're down. God's gotta trouble the waters."

"What are you saying ? This is some kind of test? How many times can I break till I shatter?" I asked.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." The moon replied

I suppose what we are is the sum of 1000 lies. What we know is almost nothing at all. But we are what we are till the day we die. It seems the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell. 

I did some things, like a fool in a film. Those things didn't matter; but what if they did? Maybe I'll come running at the end of your line; or maybe I'll be the one you never get over.

You see....there's a room inside my heart that no one could ever go. It was boarded up and locked for years. Then you came along and cut yourself a key. Opened all the windows and said let it breathe. And there's a place inside your heart, baby I believe, where its been raining there so long that sometimes you can hardly see. But when you wake in the morning, I would kiss your face bc it's you I'll love through all my years. 

El sonido de su risa es mejor que cualqier musica. Ella tiene mi corazon hasta que la luna cae del cielo.”

“forever is a long time” the moon said.

“with her, it wouldn’t be long enough." 

"Depende, de que depende..." The moon replied, and after a long pause continued “Remember what I told you about the sun?”  the moon asked. “Even after all this time the Sun never says to the Earth you owe me. Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky”.

All I can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if that's what she says I oughta do. 

I have late night talks with the moon. He tells me about the sun. I tell him about you. 

Here's looking at you, Kid

I have late night conversations w the moon. He tells me about the sun. I tell him about you. 

 

Last night I told him that I've run so far that I've lost myself; there are things I have seen that I never will tell. It drove me out of mind and inside myself, but I never will forget you, my American love; I'll always remember you as beautiful as they come, tho if saw you I'd pretend not to know.

 

I picture her dancing by the water beneath the Mexican sky,  listening to the mariachi play at midnight, then drinking margaritas, watching the sunrise. I'd pay any price, bear any burden, to be there too, but every ticket cost the same to where I can't go. 

 

And if I thought it would help I would carve her name into my heart, but she is now of my existence, a part of that which still remains. And she’s lingering like fingered strings, I seem to call on to feel the pain. I beg the book to turn the page bc I get suck where the villains get away. Somewhere in this wretched tale there must be a line where the victim gets his way. Just one time. I can only pray that I get mine bc one by one and day by day I become the darkness in the place we used to live.  

 

The moon just shrugged and told me to hold on bc the space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.

 

"How can you be so sure?" I asked "I feel like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life.  I see her when I close my eyes. I'm just trying to understand why everything I touch surely dies. Now I only see her when I fall sleep. Never to touch, and never to keep bc she ran from me like a vampire from a 1000 burning suns. She ran away, and the things once in order now seem so strange. Once I could tell all of the hurt apart from myself, but now all I see is the hurt. 

 

"That's all you see now", the moon said, "but don't let the night become the day. Don't take the darkness to the grave. I know pain is just a place where it feels like your will has been broken, but don't let the fear become the hate, don't take the sadness to the grave.".  

 

I understand, I said, but most of this life's been a drag of a high and lows like a blow in a paid thrown title fight. My love seems to go from a dream to a crash and a roll just shaking up everyone. Then she texts me from the cold, just when I was low and feeling short of stable. All that she intends, and all she keeps inside, isn't on the label. I think she wants to take me for awhile, be my friend, forget the past, but maybe I'm not able? Will we ever be again? Problem is I never really know a killer from a savior and I wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then bc eventually all my love turns into blood on stray paper. 

 

 "There will be time to crack another smile, maybe not today or for awhile, but we hold on to laugh again someday". The moon said.

 

“Do think I'm crazy?’ I asked rhetorically . "Sorry doc but I been crazy. There's no way that you can save me. I loved her like her fire till it drove me insane. I need an interventionist to intervene between me and this monster and save me from myself and all this conflict cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it. Seems we're all ok, until the day we're not. The surface shines while the inside rots. You know what?  Just let me forget about today until tomorrow” I said “because I’d trade all my tomorrows for one single yesterday. Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, i believe in yesterday." I tailed off...

 

“Nine planets around the sun. Only one does the sun embrace. Upon this watered one there is so much you take for granted.” The moon said,  “so instead of taking things for granted, if given the chance what would you say”

 

Memories, like fingerprints, I felt them slowly raising. 

 

"The seas are full of water that stops by the shore. Just like the riches of love that never reach the poor. But I have no more blood to bleed, 'cause my heart has been drained into the sea" I said. 

Pausing for a moment, a deafening silence fell upon us.  Realizing I hadn't answered the question, I gathered my thoughts, looked up at the moon and continued "I guess I'd start by asking did you sleep last night? And do you remember dreams? Do I ever cross your mind; do you ever think of me? I had a dream about you last night and I could barely see your form,  but I met you bw the wax and the needle in the words of my favorite song. Your blonde hair was like threads of gold, with your tan skin on the beach, your backdrop were the auroras and my sidekick was all this grief. Come see, I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles. I was fortunately desperate and turbulently innocent , I was living underneath my body weight. I was crazy like the moon for you. Head over my heels for you. Never would I change or compromise. But something in my mind does things I can't contain for anything. Last night I don't think sleep even touched my eyes. I feel like I've lived a lifetime without you, have you ended up somebody's angel? I'm no angel but I got nothing to hide. Can you say the same thing for yourself tonight? From the very first time I set my eyes on you girl, my heart said follow through.  

In a noisy bar in Avalon I tried to call you, but on a midnight watch I realized why twice you ran away. I think about how many times I have fallen, but mostly I remember how time stopped when I saw you standing there. I could barely breathe.  Please stay the same, don't ever change, bc I'd miss your Bette Davis eyes and the way you look in that dress. You're an essay in glamour, please pardon the grammar, but you're every school boys dream. To this day, I can still recall the hour when you first let down your walls. I thought I might have died right there floating up above it all, but it scared you love to need someone so you killed it all instead.

 

What you didn’t know is I don't wanna take what you can't give. I would rather starve than eat your bread. Maybe you needed a change. Maybe I was in the way, but there will always be a soft spot for you in my cardiac arrest. I brought down the sky for you, but all you did was shrug. You give my emptiness a name, so now I dance w your ghost, but that ain't the way, I can't move on and I can't stay the same. 

 

Still I age by years at the mention of your name. I am a lucky man to recognize your grace, but I need your grace to remind me to find my own. So with this pen, I thee wed, my heart to your distress bc you never ended up coming home, you just became something like some smoke that I tried too hard to hold. 

 

All I want is to wake up where you are bc this life is only chains; nothing like the colors of my dreams. I guess boys will be boys and girls have those eyes that'll cut you to ribbons sometimes. And all I can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if it's what she says I oughta do

 

After a long pause the moon looked at me and said “Like seed, love needs water before it grows out of the ground. But it just keeps on getting hotter and your hunger more profound. Well, I know there can come tears from your eyes. But they may as well be in vain. Even though I know these tears come with pain. Even so and just the same. Make it rain.”

To be continued....

You can be today....

A few days back I was having a talk with a close friend who is going through a tough time. So rather than try to minimize his/her pain by using platitudes such as : it will get better, or that there are worse things in the world I asked a simple question:

How can I help?

Their reply was "Do you have a time machine?"

So I said "Let's say I did. What would you do differently?"

And he/she told me "I'd make ___________ a priority instead of just thinking he/she would be there for me always."

If there is anything more painful than a broken heart, and I am not sure there is, but it may be regret.  It would have been easy to fall back and say something hackneyed like "i am sure it will work out for the best"or "if it's meant to be ....." but that would have served absolutely not one fucking purpose, and even if I believe it to be true, I don't know it to be true. I thought it would be better to be honest so I explained one thing that has helped me before is now that they had come to that conclusion, and we know the past cannot be changed, what's critically important is that you realize & recognize that today can be changed. Tomorrow can be changed. And the day after that and so on. While it sucks that we have no influence over the past, too often we fail to realize we have influence over the future and the only failure is if we do not learn from the past. 

I've thought about this conversation and my friend everyday since....so pardon the rant but ......We would all be so much better off if we would stop linking articles from the bolde #ForRealz or  thoughtcatalog #AllTheFeels. Please just fucking stop before I bludgeon you with your Iphone.  I promise you the answers to life's most difficult questions were not penned by some hipster wearing black framed glasses (which they don't even fucking need to wear) on his MacBook Air87 whilst drinking a $13 mocha-latte-hipster-douchebag with stevia. 

Stop thinking about all the things you want to do, or need to change. Just get up and fucking change.  Find a feedback loop and listen to it. A true friend, preferably someone with scars, emotional and physical, who won't pull punches but will be honest with you and help you walk on days you feel you may not be able to. There comes a time in a short life, we can turn it around,  get a rewrite...it's called today. 

The fact is the most valuable commodity in the universe is time. It's the only thing you cannot buy, you cannot create, you cannot borrow.....and your time is finite. Infinitesimally small. You will die. Very. Fucking. Soon. This can be a depressing a realization....or.....it can be a liberating one. 

It's been said that the graveyard is the richest place on earth bc it is teeming with unfulfilled dreams, gifts, ideas and potential.  Imagine if you will being on your death bed....and standing around your bed are the ghosts of the ideas, the dreams, the abilities and talents given to you by Life  ... And there they are standing around your bed looking at you with large angry eyes saying we came to you! And ONLY YOU could have given us life.

Question is: If you died today what ideas, what dreams , what talents, what gifts, or what PERSON, would die w you? For what is everyday but a choice, a series of conflicts bw the right way and the easy way; the person you are being or the person a couple of years from now you will wish you had been? Everyday that we aren't the person we wish to be, we create our own regret, and the need for that time machine my friend asked for. However, and this may be the most important realization I've come to in my life:

You can be today, and for the rest of your days, the person you wish you were yesterday.

Winston is still right

Someone once told me I have a problem letting go. I am offended by that and I strenuously object (oh is that how it works ? you strenuously object?). I don't have a problem letting go; the rest of the world has problem holding on. Besides why would I ever let go when I choose so very fucking little to ever hold close? Everything I have in my life is because I didn't let go, I didn't give up. My close friendships,  academic and physical achievements etc has all been from refusing to let go. Growing up I was always the smallest kid and was frequently told I always would be. I never let go of that, I used it to fuel a dogged determination to prove everyone wrong. I have developed and cultivated friendships that I am proud of. People from all different walks of life, but who at the end of the day have been there for me, and me for them.

But today we live in a throw away society. One defined by rampant consumerism. We replace stuff with new stuff all the time, regardless of whether the old stuff needs replacing or not. Sadly, relationships are handled the same way. When it gets hard, people quit bc thats easier. Too often you hear banalities like "if you love some thing let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be".....cue up the Iceman "bullshit" cough. That is total weaksauce.

I fear the problem will only get worse as the generation(s) that never knew a world without the Internet, Facebook, Skype, text messaging etc gets older. The art of communication and cultivating love has gone the way of the dodo. People don't know how to do it anymore. They build personas on the internet that are caricatures of who they really are.  People hook up and break up via text message, and concern themselves more with validation through social media rather than making true, possibly everlasting, connections Disgraceful. We have stopped keeping scores at kids sports, and children are told they are perfect, and that nothing is their fault. Parents side with their kids blaming teachers for their child's failure, making them ill equipped to deal with failure, and rejection. It is easier to quit & to let go,  than it is to persevere, but the thing is, nothing worth having comes easy and unfortunately bc of this attitude many will never realize that true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. Call me cheesy, call me quixotic, call me whatever you want just don't forget to call me when it is time to press heavy weight. The thing is only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.  They say things like "no more facts today, Craig" or "you're not that scary Craig"  full well knowing they are the only person on Earth who could get away with saying it, and in a voice that warms your soul and resuscitates your heart.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. The anger and the rage dissipate. Their laugh is louder than your demons. They bring you balance. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. They accept you for you in a way no one ever had before or ever will again. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, a song or a walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. They make you realize the best moments you'll ever live are ones you forgot to take pictures of; yet you can close your eyes and relive it over and over again. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. An entire day can be spent in a sea of blankets, or on a blanket by the sea, where seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, and though it feels like time is standing still you realize you have been there from sunrise to sunset & there is not one iota of guilt for wasting the day, bc you know it wasn't wasted, a minute by their side is more valuable than an eternity in heaven. You feel as if your whole life is not enough time to spend with them, the type of person who makes forever seem too short. A phone call or text during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

You learn the that the true meaning of faith is not the absence of doubt, but making a commitment despite its existence. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.  Silence is comfortable. You notice their beauty most, when they aren't trying to be, while they're tangled up in sheets or rocking out in the car. It feels as if they make your heart smile. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. They are your first phone call; in success and more importantly in failure, their voice is the one you reach for. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a cumulonimbus/storm cloud on the horizon. (And they don't mind, or even humor you when you wax poetic about types of clouds) You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible or thought you deserved.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you, yet you find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. Each day begins with only one question, how can I make her smile today? Because that smile of hers could swallow galaxies, so what chance did I ever have?

 

You can never hold on too tight to that which you love, or as a man far wiser than I once said "never give up on something you cant go a day without thinking about". I couldn't agree more. I don't have a problem letting go, the rest of the world has a problem holding on.

If there is no enemy within....

Life is not what we do; life is who we are. This distinction is critically important and too often lost on many of us. Without going all existentialist here....

Over the course of reading a ton, introspection, writing and observation it seems to me that we far too often seek to define and pursue a goal. However, our ultimate goal should be simply to be ourselves. We should not waste our lives looking for a  goal; we should instead find, or at least look for, a way of life. Each individual, not societal programming or religion, is responsible for giving meaning to life and living it authentically as well as passionately.

We get ourselves in to trouble by living vertically; that is to say we pursue the next step in a goal, i.e. the next step up the corporate ladder, the next step in a relationship (been together a year so it's time to move in, then it's time to get married, then it's time to have a baby, and then our baby needs a sibling so it's time to have another child, and now we need a bigger house), the next step in a strength program (I've hit 225 now I want 275, then 315...). In so much that we do , or worse yet, in all that we do we live vertically.

We don't spend enough time living horizontally. By this I mean we need to not worry about defining a goal in the hopes that it will fulfill us (and in that goal the never ending vertical climb) but rather we need to choose a life we know we will enjoy. A life that involves self examination and reflection. One lived passionately and authentically. Seeking to find what truly drives us, what's our "why"

Living vertically is to be destined to leave one unfulfilled bc you allow yourself to define success by achievement of a goal. What exactly have you achieved by taking that next vertical step, the job promotion, the PR at the gym, that next step in a relationship?

Ultimately the goal is paradoxically attainable and unattainable. It is attainable because with enough work you'll likely get there , get that promotion, hit that PR, or take that next step in a relationship and simultaneously unattainable because there's always another vertical step, another promotion above the one you just reached, another 20lbs you want on your PR, another status symbol to add. Which means it cannot be anything other than unfulfilling.

Goals are fixed objects; we/people are not. We are exactly where we are supposed to be because we are the sum total of our experiences. Over the course of a lifetime any goal we set is fixed, static, unchanging. To dead lift 500 pounds, to become a Navy SEAL, to get a PhD,  to make AVP/EVP/COO/CEO. When we set out for those goals, they are fixed. Their definition cannot be changed. We are not; over the course of our lives we change. So why let these goals, whose definitions are fixed, define us? Why focus on them (these vertical steps) so much,  when we are always evolving, learning and our perspective being altered by things that happen to us?

To dedicate ourselves so fully to tangible (vertical) goals seems imprudent, if not reckless. How could we ever accomplish anything other than tilting at windmills?  It seems, to me anyway, where we go wrong is not discovering and defining ourselves, instead of some goal. There is an old African proverb that says if there’s no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm. Those goals, in this sense, are secondary because if we cultivate and discover who we are the rest will take care of itself. That’s not to suggest we never set goals, because inevitably by not choosing, everything will be decided for us. And it is ok to strive for more, whether that’s a career goal or some other vertical goal but it is sad to me that our default strive for more definition is work / material related, and we let success in that arena define us. Where we fail, in my opinion, is we don't foster spiritual growth, knowing what's your why, and the development of character; we pursue that which is next on some vertical climb rather than peace, happiness and balance. Is it any surprise then that the divorce rate is somewhere in the neighborhood of 50%? That voter turnout is so low? That living in the information age we are, ironically, so ill informed? Or, that addiction is rampant? Working on ourselves is hard; sometimes wildly unpleasant. I get that. But if you don't work on who you are, if you're not careful, your talent may bring you places your character can't keep you.

(Bernie Madoff, Aaron Hernandez et al).

The New Gilded Age

The story of Madison Holleran is a Shakespearean tragedy in modern times. A star track athlete at the University of Penn whose life outwardly seemed idyllic, until one night she took a running leap of a 9th story parking garage in downtown Philadelphia, only minutes after buying gifts for her family to leave behind. She was 19 years old. 

There's a reason my phone is never off and that I do my best to reply to every text or message I get. I've been down in that hole before. I've been in places so dark that light/hope seemed an impossibility. I've been fortunate to have family (including friends, I don't make that distinction) jump down in that hole with me. Moreover, I've know friends who were down in that same black hole and on more than one occasion have had someone call/text me from the event horizon of that black hole; where there is nothing but darkness, and one more step would be the last. However, you would never have been able to know that bc what most people saw of their lives was filtered/perfect. 

By all accounts Madison had the world by the balls. Young. Beautiful. Athletic. Smart. And outwardly, specifically on social media, she led a life of infinite happiness. 

The problem I've always had with social media at large (full disclosure I don't have Instagram, never have, but when you filter the pix so that your skin looks faker than a botched boob job...just stop) is we live a filtered existence; one in which an incredibly misleading sense of perfection is the modus operandi. 

Even the #NoFilterNeeded is complete and utter bullshit. In some ways it's worse, the consummate level of narcissism. It's as if the person is saying "I'm so perfect, or this is so perfect, I don't even need a filter", you should be jealous, envious, that I don't need a filter.  

The constant barrage of everyone else's seemingly perfect lives has the unintended consequence of magnifying even the slightest setback or imperfection in ourselves. The reality is, it's completely gilded; lives covered (filtered) with a thin layer of gold to cover up what is truly there. 

We need to be more accepting, and more real with each other. We need to stop filtering life and start looking out for each other.  To that end, here's my updated , unfiltered (not "no filter needed", bc i am far from perfect) off the cuff reality, who I am: 

My name is Craig, and I am not crazy, I am just a little unwell…actually who we kidding I am absolutely bat shit crazy. I battle demons on a daily basis that I would not wish upon anyone. I don't think Robert Frost had me in mind when he said taking the road less travelled would make all the difference. Nonetheless, here I am.

I am a much different person than I appear. I am well educated. My memory is both a blessing and a curse. I love to learn, and can’t tell you how many times I have been talking to someone in a bar, or offered an opinion (ok a drunken rant) and they have looked at me puzzled and have said “you read books?” 

"Yes I do, what are you reading?...Oh Hunger Games? How cosmopolitan/intellectual of you, when you’re done with that I recommend buying a 64 box of crayolas and doing some coloring. Stay in the lines if you can, and don’t eat the glue stick, asshat."

Sorry. I am also someone who has no filter but just bc I have no neck doesn't mean I'm incapable of intellectual discourse and the implication offends me. 

I am too quick to judge even if I am right 90% of the time, and not quick enough to forgive...especially of myself. I am slow to trust, slower still to love, but when I do it is with every ounce of my being/soul. A beautiful woman once told me the only thing bigger than my neck is my heart, I’d like to believe she is right, but I often wonder. I suppose the drawback to having a huge heart is that the bigger it is the more pieces there are to pick up and try to put to back together when it breaks. Not (m)any people ever see that side of me. I also recognize that one of life's greatest ironies is only someone you choose to let all the way in, to truly and unconditionally love , could ever hurt you. And that's a pain that there are no words for; saying it feels like someone stuck a fork in your stomach and twisted and twirled around your insides like a bowl of spaghetti doesn't do it justice. 

I am someone who values family and friends above all else.  I love my little people (Adam, Emma, Erin, Ryan and Sadie) more than anything in this world. I often wonder if I'd be a good dad, or if I'll ever get to find out.  I would quite literally do anything for those close to me; a friend texted me once telling me that righteous vengeance is one of my best qualities. Not sure how I feel about that. ambivalent? maybe? see what i did there? must be from reading books....

I do know  if anyone ever hurt someone I love, I would make it my life's mission to visit a pain upon them that would make Hostel look like a Disney movie. I am quietly overprotective. Don't poke the bear.  The lives of my loved ones mean more to me than my own. In fact that's probably how love should be defined, but what do I do know? I didn't read Hunger Games. 

I am someone who has been through the closest thing to hell I imagine exists in the world. My unfiltered life....it's been a roller coaster I wouldn't wish on anyone. I try, so very hard, to carry on, to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I don't half ass anything. All in or not at all. I give myself fully to people....only to end up in front of an oncoming train. I often wonder what this life has in store for me. I don't know If redemption is attainable. I know adversity, it's closer to me than my shadow.  I've been forged in that crucible of adversity, but strength isn't how much you can take before you break, it's how much you can take AFTER you've  broken.   Pain is/was a gateway to becoming who I am, who any of us are. We can complain about it, which is only normal, but at some point (days or weeks later) it's better to look at pain and say "hey mother fucker take a seat. Get comfortable. Real comfortable. We are going to be friends, because I don't want to be ordinary, and you're going to help me out.". After all, I've never met a strong person w an easy past.

 I also know I'm capable of great love. Of unconditional , reality altering , die before I let you down love. Regrettably, each time I am able to call upon that part of my soul for another.....there's that oncoming train. I've learned enough. I've overcome a lot. I've gone through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. "It made me better"  I said....."life won't beat me" I said. I do believe that if nothing can save us from death, at least love should save us from life.

I sincerely empathize for anyone who struggles at all themselves, in any way, life presents different challenges to us all. Call me anytime, night or day, and I’ll be there to listen and help as much as I can. Loyalty matters to me more than anything in this world. 

I am the guy in the gym alone in the corner who loves to train and lift heavy (and alone) bc it is an outlet for the anger that I let define me more often than I should. But I’ve learned as much under the bar as I have anywhere else, even in school,  because barbells never lie. They will not flatter you and tell you that you look great or that everything will be ok. They are always 100%  honest with you and will let you know if you haven’t put in the work. If you haven’t, they will crush and humble you quickly. Barbells never say “nothing is wrong" or " I'm fine”. For that I am grateful. 

I am someone who gives my all to things and people I think are worth it. I don't believe in half assing anything; have you seen my Sunday meals? I eat because I workout ; I workout because I eat. I'm fat bastard without the infanticide or cannibalism. Luckily my body has an innate ability to repartition poor macronutrients into BOOMSAUCE. In fairness I work my ass off too. 

I am self motivated and driven by something deep inside me that I've never been able to put a finger on.... maybe its fear, maybe it's passion, maybe it's passionate fear. I believe what I believe in. Black and white. There is no gray. Coincidentally I'm color blind. I do not expect you to necessarily agree with me but if you can't  present a cogent argument as to why you believe what you do and display some modicum of passion (I'M NOT YELLING I'M JUST SPEAKING PASSIONATELY)  I will mock you....endlessly. The world is too full of half assery. I invent words when I want to and decided a long time ago one could add " 'ing" to anything and make it a verb. Drunken decisioning are usually some of my best. Good beer-ing. Just like that. 

I also have a lot of bad ideas. Some are directed at bad people, who should be picked up by the face then introduced to the pavement ...from a third story window. Others manifest themselves after 17 budweisers and a bottle of rumpleminze, like running over cars, going down a flight of stairs in a shopping cart, or playing keg Donkey Kong. "Hold my beer, watch this" should probably be on my tombstone. I suggest sticking around for the tom foolery likely to ensue whenever you hear that line. It's trite/hackneyed to say "I love to have fun", and it sounds about as philosophical as tony stuttering tony, but it's true. I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't. 

To that point Ive been told I love too hard, but that it's also a gift. The jury is still out but I believe love is the ultimate irony of evolution. Some may argue that we are wired to love; it is part of us, to seek it out, to want or need companionship. I think there is some truth in that but for entirely different reasons. In Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes wrote the natural state of man is brutish…..it is the “war of every man against every man”. We evolved, formed groups and then societies for self preservation. Our instinct is to survive. I don’t know that is our nature to love. Self preservation, kill or be killed, drove our evolution.  Love is not that. It would not have served the self preservation instinct to value someone more than yourself; therefore love is above our nature. It transcends. To give, and accept it, is, respectively, the most noble and bravest thing we can do. 

I think we should read ALL THE BOOKS. There is so much we can learn. As Bob Marley said "don't gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver or gold". 

The reality is no one is as perfect as they would have you believe. In fact very often they are more phony to themselves than they are even to the public. Maybe, I am the angry boy a bit too insane,  but I am comfortable in my own skin, even though others may find it abrasive or offensive. At least I am not trying to be someone I'm not or doing the "fake fun, phony friend" bullshit. More than anything I am just a tragically flawed man who tries his best every day, and often worries that it is not good enough.  Maybe time will tell you , why I got so much hell to sell you,  but please understand me bc you can't just dance around me.