You can never out run your demons. You're not fast enough. Ironically they're every bit as fast as you, no slower. No faster. Just quick enough to keep pace and be in your face just when you think you've won. This revelation only came to me after a tireless night resurrected demons of mine from a galaxy far, far, away and a time darker than a black hole; enveloping everything so that light/hope couldn't even escape.
It had been some time since I had battled said demons and I couldn’t help but ask why they had rallied. I searched for answers but none were forthcoming. Then it hit me like a swift kick to the nuts....our demons are there to test us. To keep us honest and even to motivate us. They can absolutely bring out the very best or the very worst in us. I know in my heart that no one I love has ever seen the very worst of me; a part of me I loathe to admit exists. The anger and rage is always there , boiling just beneath the surface like a certain doctor exposed to too many gamma rays, and while that isn’t the case for us all demons manifest themselves in a litany of different ways for each one of us. For some it's an addiction to drinking, drugs or even food, some its anxiety or self doubt, others it’s an ability to believe they are deserving of love or able to accept it, then there are those amongst us who are haunted by a touch of all the aforementioned things sprinkled in with a dash of really dark personal times. I have found the most constructive choice one can make is to use the demons as motivation. To "transform and transmogrify" yourself in to the polar opposite of what our demons would have us believe we are, because fuck them, that’s why. They tell you that you're weak; work until you are the hulk. They tell you that you are undeserving; devote your life to being a loyal friend, good husband or wife, a caring parent/uncle/aunt. They tell you are that you're not worthy of love, continue to cultivate that love for those around you who are deserving and one day someone will overwhelm you with a huge heart of their own that they are willing to give to you, one that will turn on a light inside you , that you thought was forever extinguished.
The truth is we all battle demons and we are all at least a little bit fucked up so stop beating yourself up for it or thinking you’re the only one. Anyone that would have you believe otherwise is either a liar or never took a chance in their life. That person you admire for "having it all together" doesn't, trust me, no one does. Appearance isn't always reality, and using myself as an example, if you think I have it together well then (insert Kramer voice) you're waaaayyy off. Truth is most days I'm one step away from cutting my fuckin ear off, but I can admit that and knowing who you are is invaluable. I will admit there is safety in never taking chances. You'll never get hurt, emotionally or physically, but you'll never really live either. And while demons may test or torture your soul, an isolated and insulated existence deadens it. What you must do is stare them dead in the eye, for demons are no different than the play ground bully. They cannot win a confrontation, but they will indefinitely chase, so choose confrontation. Besides we all know how much I like to run.
Look into my eyes, its where my demons hide….and I am stronger for it
