I spend a lot of time in thought. Introspection. Deconstructing myself, perhaps more often and harsher than I should. It beats not doing it all...."well I think that's a super philosophy Sean, that way you could go your whole life without ever really getting to know anyone". I digress.
It comes from a place of sincerity. I have a true desire to reach some level of self actualization and as such I constantly evaluate and revaluate the things that I'm doing, relationships, friendships, what makes me happy, who I am.
The last couple of years of my life have been unsettling. Things I never thought could happen did. Again. And again. And again. We have no control over that. And it happens to everyone. I'm not saying what happened to me was any harder or worse, simply that they were things I had no control over and could not have anticipated. That's the way life goes. I met a naval aviator once named Captain Charlie Plumb. He served in Vietnam; was shot down and spent years in the same prison camp as John McCain. He always says that it's when you're flying high, feeling (over)confident and invincible that life happens. Or as he says it's then that you "need to check your six o clock position".
Maybe it's a midlife crisis. Although the way I lived in my 20s I'd say I've already surpassed my life expectancy. The most important thing I've discovered over the last couple of years is something I wish I could have told myself the day I graduated college. I'd tell myself to work twice as hard as improving myself internally as I did physically. That no amount of strength in the gym can overcome for lack of direction or constitution. That it's infinitely more important to find out who you are, what you value, what you cannot tolerate vs what you can, how to love, how to be a better person. That it takes a minute amount effort to make someone's day. A simple note left for them in an unsuspecting place. A surprise delivery of something they love, be it double stuff Oreos , flowers, or a set of Leggos. And not to do these things seeking credit or praise. To do them simply to make someone smile. If at the end of the day you can say you've made someone smile, it's been a good day. If it's someone you love, all the better.
I'd say to this point in my life my biggest regret is not coming to this realization sooner. I often imagine the things I may have achieved had I focused on improving myself internally as I did physically, total consciousness maybe? How about a little something for the effort , ya know?
I can't change that; so I instead I simply try to be better today than yesterday. And better tomorrow than today. None of us make it out of here alive but if in what is an infinitesimally small amount of time in the grand scheme things, we choose to stand up for what we believe in, to be honest in our dealings with others, to value ourselves while also being selfless, then we have done it right. There truly is nothing better than making someone smile; especially if , in your eyes, that smile is the closest evidence you've seen that God exists.
