Winston is still right

Someone once told me I have a problem letting go. I am offended by that and I strenuously object (oh is that how it works ? you strenuously object?). I don't have a problem letting go; the rest of the world has problem holding on. Besides why would I ever let go when I choose so very fucking little to ever hold close? Everything I have in my life is because I didn't let go, I didn't give up. My close friendships,  academic and physical achievements etc has all been from refusing to let go. Growing up I was always the smallest kid and was frequently told I always would be. I never let go of that, I used it to fuel a dogged determination to prove everyone wrong. I have developed and cultivated friendships that I am proud of. People from all different walks of life, but who at the end of the day have been there for me, and me for them.

But today we live in a throw away society. One defined by rampant consumerism. We replace stuff with new stuff all the time, regardless of whether the old stuff needs replacing or not. Sadly, relationships are handled the same way. When it gets hard, people quit bc thats easier. Too often you hear banalities like "if you love some thing let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be".....cue up the Iceman "bullshit" cough. That is total weaksauce.

I fear the problem will only get worse as the generation(s) that never knew a world without the Internet, Facebook, Skype, text messaging etc gets older. The art of communication and cultivating love has gone the way of the dodo. People don't know how to do it anymore. They build personas on the internet that are caricatures of who they really are.  People hook up and break up via text message, and concern themselves more with validation through social media rather than making true, possibly everlasting, connections Disgraceful. We have stopped keeping scores at kids sports, and children are told they are perfect, and that nothing is their fault. Parents side with their kids blaming teachers for their child's failure, making them ill equipped to deal with failure, and rejection. It is easier to quit & to let go,  than it is to persevere, but the thing is, nothing worth having comes easy and unfortunately bc of this attitude many will never realize that true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. Call me cheesy, call me quixotic, call me whatever you want just don't forget to call me when it is time to press heavy weight. The thing is only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.  They say things like "no more facts today, Craig" or "you're not that scary Craig"  full well knowing they are the only person on Earth who could get away with saying it, and in a voice that warms your soul and resuscitates your heart.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. The anger and the rage dissipate. Their laugh is louder than your demons. They bring you balance. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. They accept you for you in a way no one ever had before or ever will again. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, a song or a walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. They make you realize the best moments you'll ever live are ones you forgot to take pictures of; yet you can close your eyes and relive it over and over again. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. An entire day can be spent in a sea of blankets, or on a blanket by the sea, where seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, and though it feels like time is standing still you realize you have been there from sunrise to sunset & there is not one iota of guilt for wasting the day, bc you know it wasn't wasted, a minute by their side is more valuable than an eternity in heaven. You feel as if your whole life is not enough time to spend with them, the type of person who makes forever seem too short. A phone call or text during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

You learn the that the true meaning of faith is not the absence of doubt, but making a commitment despite its existence. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.  Silence is comfortable. You notice their beauty most, when they aren't trying to be, while they're tangled up in sheets or rocking out in the car. It feels as if they make your heart smile. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. They are your first phone call; in success and more importantly in failure, their voice is the one you reach for. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a cumulonimbus/storm cloud on the horizon. (And they don't mind, or even humor you when you wax poetic about types of clouds) You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible or thought you deserved.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you, yet you find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. Each day begins with only one question, how can I make her smile today? Because that smile of hers could swallow galaxies, so what chance did I ever have?

 

You can never hold on too tight to that which you love, or as a man far wiser than I once said "never give up on something you cant go a day without thinking about". I couldn't agree more. I don't have a problem letting go, the rest of the world has a problem holding on.

If there is no enemy within....

Life is not what we do; life is who we are. This distinction is critically important and too often lost on many of us. Without going all existentialist here....

Over the course of reading a ton, introspection, writing and observation it seems to me that we far too often seek to define and pursue a goal. However, our ultimate goal should be simply to be ourselves. We should not waste our lives looking for a  goal; we should instead find, or at least look for, a way of life. Each individual, not societal programming or religion, is responsible for giving meaning to life and living it authentically as well as passionately.

We get ourselves in to trouble by living vertically; that is to say we pursue the next step in a goal, i.e. the next step up the corporate ladder, the next step in a relationship (been together a year so it's time to move in, then it's time to get married, then it's time to have a baby, and then our baby needs a sibling so it's time to have another child, and now we need a bigger house), the next step in a strength program (I've hit 225 now I want 275, then 315...). In so much that we do , or worse yet, in all that we do we live vertically.

We don't spend enough time living horizontally. By this I mean we need to not worry about defining a goal in the hopes that it will fulfill us (and in that goal the never ending vertical climb) but rather we need to choose a life we know we will enjoy. A life that involves self examination and reflection. One lived passionately and authentically. Seeking to find what truly drives us, what's our "why"

Living vertically is to be destined to leave one unfulfilled bc you allow yourself to define success by achievement of a goal. What exactly have you achieved by taking that next vertical step, the job promotion, the PR at the gym, that next step in a relationship?

Ultimately the goal is paradoxically attainable and unattainable. It is attainable because with enough work you'll likely get there , get that promotion, hit that PR, or take that next step in a relationship and simultaneously unattainable because there's always another vertical step, another promotion above the one you just reached, another 20lbs you want on your PR, another status symbol to add. Which means it cannot be anything other than unfulfilling.

Goals are fixed objects; we/people are not. We are exactly where we are supposed to be because we are the sum total of our experiences. Over the course of a lifetime any goal we set is fixed, static, unchanging. To dead lift 500 pounds, to become a Navy SEAL, to get a PhD,  to make AVP/EVP/COO/CEO. When we set out for those goals, they are fixed. Their definition cannot be changed. We are not; over the course of our lives we change. So why let these goals, whose definitions are fixed, define us? Why focus on them (these vertical steps) so much,  when we are always evolving, learning and our perspective being altered by things that happen to us?

To dedicate ourselves so fully to tangible (vertical) goals seems imprudent, if not reckless. How could we ever accomplish anything other than tilting at windmills?  It seems, to me anyway, where we go wrong is not discovering and defining ourselves, instead of some goal. There is an old African proverb that says if there’s no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm. Those goals, in this sense, are secondary because if we cultivate and discover who we are the rest will take care of itself. That’s not to suggest we never set goals, because inevitably by not choosing, everything will be decided for us. And it is ok to strive for more, whether that’s a career goal or some other vertical goal but it is sad to me that our default strive for more definition is work / material related, and we let success in that arena define us. Where we fail, in my opinion, is we don't foster spiritual growth, knowing what's your why, and the development of character; we pursue that which is next on some vertical climb rather than peace, happiness and balance. Is it any surprise then that the divorce rate is somewhere in the neighborhood of 50%? That voter turnout is so low? That living in the information age we are, ironically, so ill informed? Or, that addiction is rampant? Working on ourselves is hard; sometimes wildly unpleasant. I get that. But if you don't work on who you are, if you're not careful, your talent may bring you places your character can't keep you.

(Bernie Madoff, Aaron Hernandez et al).

The New Gilded Age

The story of Madison Holleran is a Shakespearean tragedy in modern times. A star track athlete at the University of Penn whose life outwardly seemed idyllic, until one night she took a running leap of a 9th story parking garage in downtown Philadelphia, only minutes after buying gifts for her family to leave behind. She was 19 years old. 

There's a reason my phone is never off and that I do my best to reply to every text or message I get. I've been down in that hole before. I've been in places so dark that light/hope seemed an impossibility. I've been fortunate to have family (including friends, I don't make that distinction) jump down in that hole with me. Moreover, I've know friends who were down in that same black hole and on more than one occasion have had someone call/text me from the event horizon of that black hole; where there is nothing but darkness, and one more step would be the last. However, you would never have been able to know that bc what most people saw of their lives was filtered/perfect. 

By all accounts Madison had the world by the balls. Young. Beautiful. Athletic. Smart. And outwardly, specifically on social media, she led a life of infinite happiness. 

The problem I've always had with social media at large (full disclosure I don't have Instagram, never have, but when you filter the pix so that your skin looks faker than a botched boob job...just stop) is we live a filtered existence; one in which an incredibly misleading sense of perfection is the modus operandi. 

Even the #NoFilterNeeded is complete and utter bullshit. In some ways it's worse, the consummate level of narcissism. It's as if the person is saying "I'm so perfect, or this is so perfect, I don't even need a filter", you should be jealous, envious, that I don't need a filter.  

The constant barrage of everyone else's seemingly perfect lives has the unintended consequence of magnifying even the slightest setback or imperfection in ourselves. The reality is, it's completely gilded; lives covered (filtered) with a thin layer of gold to cover up what is truly there. 

We need to be more accepting, and more real with each other. We need to stop filtering life and start looking out for each other.  To that end, here's my updated , unfiltered (not "no filter needed", bc i am far from perfect) off the cuff reality, who I am: 

My name is Craig, and I am not crazy, I am just a little unwell…actually who we kidding I am absolutely bat shit crazy. I battle demons on a daily basis that I would not wish upon anyone. I don't think Robert Frost had me in mind when he said taking the road less travelled would make all the difference. Nonetheless, here I am.

I am a much different person than I appear. I am well educated. My memory is both a blessing and a curse. I love to learn, and can’t tell you how many times I have been talking to someone in a bar, or offered an opinion (ok a drunken rant) and they have looked at me puzzled and have said “you read books?” 

"Yes I do, what are you reading?...Oh Hunger Games? How cosmopolitan/intellectual of you, when you’re done with that I recommend buying a 64 box of crayolas and doing some coloring. Stay in the lines if you can, and don’t eat the glue stick, asshat."

Sorry. I am also someone who has no filter but just bc I have no neck doesn't mean I'm incapable of intellectual discourse and the implication offends me. 

I am too quick to judge even if I am right 90% of the time, and not quick enough to forgive...especially of myself. I am slow to trust, slower still to love, but when I do it is with every ounce of my being/soul. A beautiful woman once told me the only thing bigger than my neck is my heart, I’d like to believe she is right, but I often wonder. I suppose the drawback to having a huge heart is that the bigger it is the more pieces there are to pick up and try to put to back together when it breaks. Not (m)any people ever see that side of me. I also recognize that one of life's greatest ironies is only someone you choose to let all the way in, to truly and unconditionally love , could ever hurt you. And that's a pain that there are no words for; saying it feels like someone stuck a fork in your stomach and twisted and twirled around your insides like a bowl of spaghetti doesn't do it justice. 

I am someone who values family and friends above all else.  I love my little people (Adam, Emma, Erin, Ryan and Sadie) more than anything in this world. I often wonder if I'd be a good dad, or if I'll ever get to find out.  I would quite literally do anything for those close to me; a friend texted me once telling me that righteous vengeance is one of my best qualities. Not sure how I feel about that. ambivalent? maybe? see what i did there? must be from reading books....

I do know  if anyone ever hurt someone I love, I would make it my life's mission to visit a pain upon them that would make Hostel look like a Disney movie. I am quietly overprotective. Don't poke the bear.  The lives of my loved ones mean more to me than my own. In fact that's probably how love should be defined, but what do I do know? I didn't read Hunger Games. 

I am someone who has been through the closest thing to hell I imagine exists in the world. My unfiltered life....it's been a roller coaster I wouldn't wish on anyone. I try, so very hard, to carry on, to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I don't half ass anything. All in or not at all. I give myself fully to people....only to end up in front of an oncoming train. I often wonder what this life has in store for me. I don't know If redemption is attainable. I know adversity, it's closer to me than my shadow.  I've been forged in that crucible of adversity, but strength isn't how much you can take before you break, it's how much you can take AFTER you've  broken.   Pain is/was a gateway to becoming who I am, who any of us are. We can complain about it, which is only normal, but at some point (days or weeks later) it's better to look at pain and say "hey mother fucker take a seat. Get comfortable. Real comfortable. We are going to be friends, because I don't want to be ordinary, and you're going to help me out.". After all, I've never met a strong person w an easy past.

 I also know I'm capable of great love. Of unconditional , reality altering , die before I let you down love. Regrettably, each time I am able to call upon that part of my soul for another.....there's that oncoming train. I've learned enough. I've overcome a lot. I've gone through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. "It made me better"  I said....."life won't beat me" I said. I do believe that if nothing can save us from death, at least love should save us from life.

I sincerely empathize for anyone who struggles at all themselves, in any way, life presents different challenges to us all. Call me anytime, night or day, and I’ll be there to listen and help as much as I can. Loyalty matters to me more than anything in this world. 

I am the guy in the gym alone in the corner who loves to train and lift heavy (and alone) bc it is an outlet for the anger that I let define me more often than I should. But I’ve learned as much under the bar as I have anywhere else, even in school,  because barbells never lie. They will not flatter you and tell you that you look great or that everything will be ok. They are always 100%  honest with you and will let you know if you haven’t put in the work. If you haven’t, they will crush and humble you quickly. Barbells never say “nothing is wrong" or " I'm fine”. For that I am grateful. 

I am someone who gives my all to things and people I think are worth it. I don't believe in half assing anything; have you seen my Sunday meals? I eat because I workout ; I workout because I eat. I'm fat bastard without the infanticide or cannibalism. Luckily my body has an innate ability to repartition poor macronutrients into BOOMSAUCE. In fairness I work my ass off too. 

I am self motivated and driven by something deep inside me that I've never been able to put a finger on.... maybe its fear, maybe it's passion, maybe it's passionate fear. I believe what I believe in. Black and white. There is no gray. Coincidentally I'm color blind. I do not expect you to necessarily agree with me but if you can't  present a cogent argument as to why you believe what you do and display some modicum of passion (I'M NOT YELLING I'M JUST SPEAKING PASSIONATELY)  I will mock you....endlessly. The world is too full of half assery. I invent words when I want to and decided a long time ago one could add " 'ing" to anything and make it a verb. Drunken decisioning are usually some of my best. Good beer-ing. Just like that. 

I also have a lot of bad ideas. Some are directed at bad people, who should be picked up by the face then introduced to the pavement ...from a third story window. Others manifest themselves after 17 budweisers and a bottle of rumpleminze, like running over cars, going down a flight of stairs in a shopping cart, or playing keg Donkey Kong. "Hold my beer, watch this" should probably be on my tombstone. I suggest sticking around for the tom foolery likely to ensue whenever you hear that line. It's trite/hackneyed to say "I love to have fun", and it sounds about as philosophical as tony stuttering tony, but it's true. I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't. 

To that point Ive been told I love too hard, but that it's also a gift. The jury is still out but I believe love is the ultimate irony of evolution. Some may argue that we are wired to love; it is part of us, to seek it out, to want or need companionship. I think there is some truth in that but for entirely different reasons. In Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes wrote the natural state of man is brutish…..it is the “war of every man against every man”. We evolved, formed groups and then societies for self preservation. Our instinct is to survive. I don’t know that is our nature to love. Self preservation, kill or be killed, drove our evolution.  Love is not that. It would not have served the self preservation instinct to value someone more than yourself; therefore love is above our nature. It transcends. To give, and accept it, is, respectively, the most noble and bravest thing we can do. 

I think we should read ALL THE BOOKS. There is so much we can learn. As Bob Marley said "don't gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver or gold". 

The reality is no one is as perfect as they would have you believe. In fact very often they are more phony to themselves than they are even to the public. Maybe, I am the angry boy a bit too insane,  but I am comfortable in my own skin, even though others may find it abrasive or offensive. At least I am not trying to be someone I'm not or doing the "fake fun, phony friend" bullshit. More than anything I am just a tragically flawed man who tries his best every day, and often worries that it is not good enough.  Maybe time will tell you , why I got so much hell to sell you,  but please understand me bc you can't just dance around me.