Winston was right

Someone once told me I have a problem letting go. I am offended by that and I strenuously object (oh is that how it works ? you strenuously object?). I don't have a problem letting go; the rest of the world has problem holding on. Besides why would I ever let go when I choose so very fucking little to ever hold close? Everything I have in my life is because I didn't let go, I didn't give up. My close friendships,  academic and physical achievements etc has all been from refusing to let go. Growing up I was always the smallest kid and was frequently told I always would be. I never let go of that, I used it to fuel a dogged determination to prove everyone wrong. I have developed and cultivated friendships that I am proud of. People from all different walks of life, but who at the end of the day have been there for me, and me for them.

But today we live in a throw away society. One defined by rampant consumerism. We replace stuff with new stuff all the time, regardless of whether the old stuff needs replacing or not. Sadly, relationships are handled the same way. When it gets hard, people quit bc thats easier. Too often you hear banalities like "if you love some thing let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be".....cue up the Iceman "bullshit" cough. That is total weaksauce.

I fear the problem will only get worse as the generation(s) that never knew a world without the Internet, Facebook, Skype, text messaging etc gets older. The art of communication and cultivating love has gone the way of the dodo. People don't know how to do it anymore. They build personas on the internet that are caricatures of who they really are.  People hook up and break up via text message, and concern themselves more with validation through social media rather than making true, possibly everlasting, connections Disgraceful. We have stopped keeping scores at kids sports, and children are told they are perfect, and that nothing is their fault. Parents side with their kids blaming teachers for their child's failure, making them ill equipped to deal with failure, and rejection. It is easier to quit & to let go,  than it is to persevere, but the thing is, nothing worth having comes easy and unfortunately bc of this attitude many will never realize that true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. Call me cheesy, call me a romantic, call me whatever you want just don't forget to call me when it is time to press heavy weight. The thing is only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.  They say things like "no history today, Craig" or "you're not that scary Craig"  full well knowing they are the only person on Earth who could get away with saying it, and in a voice that warms your soul and resuscitates your heart.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. The anger and the rage dissipate. They bring you balance. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. They accept you for you in a way no one ever had before or ever will again. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, a song or a walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. An entire day can be spent in a sea of blankets, where seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, and though it feels like time is standing still you realize you have been there from sunrise to sunset & there is not one iota of guilt for wasting the day, bc you know it wasn't wasted, a minute by their side is more valuable than an eternity in heaven. A phone call or text during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.  Silence is comfortable. It feels as if they make your heart smile. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. They are your first phone call; in success and more importantly in failure, their voice is the one you reach for. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible or thought you deserved.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you, yet you find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

You can never hold on too tight to that which you love, or as a man far wiser than I once said "never give up on something you cant go a day without thinking about". I couldn't agree more. I don't have a problem letting go, the rest of the world has a problem holding on.

(written/inspired some time ago, just took awhile to have the guts to post)

Love thy neighbor

Love the show Newsroom but Will McEvoy is wrong inasmuch as we are still the greatest country on Earth. Have we lost our way? Yes, to a large degree we have. Unfortunately we have degenerated into a race baiting, ill informed, amoral, greedy, selfish country. Be that as it may we still lead the worlds charge against its greatest ills (cancer, HIV, etc), we still lead the world in humanitarian outreach to speak nothing of the fact that we are , and I mean this literally, the last best hope of man on Earth. We still shine as the beacon of freedom, or that "city upon a hill" Winthrop professed 400 years ago. Where we have gone wrong, in my humble opinion, is we forgot one simple thing ....love thy neighbor. Simple.  Perfect. Beautiful.  America used to be a place where we loved thy neighbor. He was next to us on bunker hill fighting off the red coats and declaring freedom; our neighbor was next to us on the beaches of Normandy and Okinawa restoring the world to liberty and ridding it of tyranny. Our neighbor was someone we knew by full name, and entire family history. Even when most people didnt lock their doors at night, their neighbor had a spare key lest they accidentally get locked and bc we trusted and loved our neighbor. Our kids went to school together, played together and were raised to value the same things. Values that were passed on generationally. Words like honesty, integrity, pride, loyalty, diligence, perseverance, and opportunity defined us. We didnt use them as throw away lines for some commercial during ratings month, caught between busty bikini beer models and boner ads. No. Absolutely not. We loved our neighbor bc we knew them. When they struggled, we helped. We often entrusted them with the care of our children, and help raise each others kids. There was a time when your neighbor would discipline your child no different than you would when it was called for. And now we have ignorant little fuckheads running around the grocery store screaming and throwing anything they want in the shopping the cart as if they were trying to prepare one of my Sunday meals, while the morbidly obese parent does absolutely nothing. However, when little Johnny develops diabetes and ADD at the age  of 10 everyone will look and shake their head but no one , NO ONE, will accept blame. It takes a village to raise a child, and when we loved our neighbor we knew that. 

Now our neighbors are nameless faces. Cursory glances exchanged when passing in the street in gas guzzling SUVs, where before hand shakes and hugs were exchanged on front lawns during real conversations. If I could offer one piece of advice to fixing this cluster fuck of confrontation we call a society (not that anyone would freakin listen) it would be LOVE THY NEIGHBOR. 

America, as messed up as it is, is still the greatest country on earth. I honestly believe if we followed that one commandment 90% of the problems would disappear. America is and always has been the most benevolent country in this history of man. No country has ever sacrificed as much for total strangers as America has. God willing no country will ever have to again and it will be because America stands at the ready to defend freedom. We are not the war mongering,  cold hearted devil the Hollywood and liberal moon bats would have us believe we are; nor are we the too big to fail nanny welfare state the right would have us believe. 

We are the land of opportunity. There's a reason it's called the American Dream. It's not the French dream (i surrender) ; the Irish dream (praise a land that makes us refugees), it's not the English dream bc we threw those bastards out. The world over its called the American Dream and what could be more flattering than that? Seriously. Don't tell me for one second we're not the best country on Earth. You are promised more here than anywhere else ever! Where we have gone too far is trying to promise equal outcome. You need to earn that, like tomorrow , that isn't promised to anyone. All we need to do is get back to those values of 

honesty, integrity, pride, loyalty, diligence, perseverance, opportunity and love our neighbor. 

We must never forget freedom and opportunity  are never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass them on to our children in the bloodstream. They m must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.

Then we will fight them in the shade

Why are we so afraid of failure? We hide it from our friends and family, often times only disclosing it in an alcohol induced text message as if that were an appropriate way to break bad news. And why? Is it because we honestly our friends will think less of us when they find out we failed or that something in our life went bad? Your marriage fell apart through no fault of your own, and you're afraid to tell people bc you think what? That we will think less of you? That your true friends will get some amount of schadenfreude out of it? You lost your job but keep it to yourself nc you think anyone who truly loves you will measures your quality by your employment status? Truth be told, success is over rated; failure is far more valuable, even though is it infinitely more painful. I've learned more about myself and life in general through abject failure and dark times than I ever did through success. Life's biggest failures are out biggest learning opportunities.

 

I am reminded of King Leonidas' now famous reply upon hearing that Xerxes army would launch so many arrows that it would block out the sun...."then we will fight them in the shade", he said, and while I think I would have made a great Spartan, I can't help but recognize the fact that most of the important battles we all go through in life take place in the shade; by that I mean out of the sight of most people. Life isn't always sunshine , rainbows and bacon. It rains, and sometimes it absolutely fucking pours. I've been down, I've been out, I've had my head and my heart kicked around and I tell you like this: False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine, but leaving us when we cross into the shade. However, in the shade is the only place we can find, not only ourselves, but the ones who truly love us. The ones who not only don't mindmkwhen you text them at 4:30AM, but actually reply; the ones who reach out a hand after you've been knocked down, even, and especially, when it surprises them to see you on the ground.

 

One can only measure their value as a friend/parent/spouse etc in the tough times. Anyone can punch the clock when things are great, but when you, or a loved one, is battered and broken....that's when you learn the most about people, including yourself. By and large success is useless. It is nice and appeals to those who waste their lives chasing the accolades of pride, but failure is far more valuable. You learn more when you miss a lift, than you make it.....you learn more from missing the target than hitting it.....you only learn how to stand up after you've been knocked down and as Confucius said our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we fall.

 

I fell down, down , down into this dark and lonely hole, and there was no one there to care about me anymore. I needed a way, to climb a grab ahold, at the edge you were sitting there holding a rope.

A bad moon rising

I was driving home from work the other day and I realized that as I flipped from station to station I was feeding my already bad/anxious mood like adding gas to a flame. I noticed that I stopped on every sad or intense song I could find, and let the lyrics wash over me, triggering an onslaught of negative emotions that became more and more difficult to shake. Hours later the music continued to play in my head, except now I heard it as a thunder clap in the distance. I knew a bad moon was arising, I saw trouble on the way.  Anxiety is like a thunderstorm,  but I mean a real fuckin thunder storm, not a New England one.... one from Wichita. It comes out of nowhere and builds up to terrific violence without warning. Immediately you're painfully aware that you're not in Kansas anymore, and though you yearn for the peace and serenity of the plains you're trapped in a swirling vortex of entropy. Your heart rate accelerates from 0-ludicrous speed in the blink of an eye;  your mind races along at 3.0x10^8 meters/second, yet ironically comes to a complete stop, a paradox that only complicates things further until the mind fuck is complete. You feel completely and utterly alone and it hurts just to breathe. So why would I do this to myself? 

I struggled to comprehend why I had done this to myself until I realized that I was feeding the negative mood bc even as painful as it was/is, it is familiar. And familiar, even if it is painful, is comfortable. I think we can all be guilty of things like this (maybe not to the extreme that I am) but it must have some benefit to us/me or we would not do it - perhaps it is the benefit of familiarity and the safe feeling that it produces (as odd as that sounds)-as a friend pointed out to me, we know what we are getting when we dwell on it; we are familiar with it - we are not when we take an 'unknown path of action' . We take an odd comfort of the known-known, even if it is sadness, anxiety or stress; we’d rather dance with the devil we know than the one we don’t. It’s that fear of unknown-unknowns that seem to challenge us most. 

 It reminded of the line Red says to Andy in The Shawshank Redemption “These walls are kind of funny. First you hate em, then you get used to em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.”. Metaphorically speaking we all build up the walls Red is referring to. Perhaps the single biggest challenge we all face in life is breaking down those walls, and choosing to face the unknown. That 6 inch prison b/w your ears can be every bit as, if not more debilitating than any real prison could ever be. It can, and will cripple you if you let it...and even knowing that, here I am, waiting for another sleepless night....dancing with the devil I know, in the pale moonlight. 

I'm me, who the f*ck are you

Who are you?

Someone posed this question to me and I thought about it all day until I came to this "off the cuff" reality. 

 My name is Craig, and I am not crazy, I am just a little unwell…actually who we kidding I am absolutely bat shit crazy. I battle demons on a daily basis that I would not wish upon anyone. However, I am a much different person than I appear. I am well educated. My memory is both a blessing and a curse. I love to learn, and can’t tell you how many times I have been talking to someone in a bar, or offered an opinion (ok a drunken rant) and they have looked at me puzzled and have said “you read books?”.

"Yes I do, what are you reading?...Oh Hunger Games? How cosmopolitan/intellectual of you, when you’re done with that I recommend buying a 64 box of crayolas and doing some coloring. Stay in the lines if you can, and don’t eat the glue stick, asshat."

Sorry. I am also someone who has no filter but just bc I have no neck doesn't mean I'm incapable of intellectual discourse and the implication offends me. 

 I am too quick to judge even if I am right 90% of the time, and not quick enough to forgive...especially of myself. I am slow to trust, slower still to love, but when I do it is with every ounce of my being/soul. A beautiful woman once told me the only thing bigger than my neck is my heart, I’d like to believe she is right, but I often wonder. I suppose the drawback to having a huge heart is that the bigger it is the more pieces there are to pick up and try to put to back together when it breaks. Not (m)any people ever see that side of me. I also recognize that life's greatest irony is only someone you choose to let all the way in, to truly and unconditionally love , could ever hurt you. And that's a pain that there are no words for; saying it feels like someone stuck a fork in your stomach and twisted and twirled around your insides like a bowl of spaghetti doesn't do it justice. Perhaps life's second biggest irony is that I haven't had a drink in weeks and have never felt worse. I digress. 

I am someone who values family and friends above all else.  I love my little people (Adam, Emma, Erin, Ryan and Sadie) more than anything in this world. I often wonder if Id be a good dad, or if I'll ever get to find out.  I would quite literally do anything for those close to me; a friend texted me once telling me that righteous vengeance is one of my best qualities. Not sure how I feel about that. ambivalent? maybe? see what i did there? must be from reading books....

I do know  if anyone ever hurt someone I love, I would make it my life's mission to visit a pain upon them that would make Hostel look like a Disney movie. I am quietly overprotective. Don't poke the bear.  The lives of my loved ones mean more to me than my own. In fact that's probably how love should be defined, but what do I do know? I didn't read Hunger Games. 

 I am someone who has been through the closest thing to hell I imagine exists in the world. I sincerely empathize for anyone who struggles at all themselves.  Call me anytime, night or day, and I’ll be there to listen and help as much as I can. Loyalty matters to me more than anything in this world. 

I am the guy in the gym alone in the corner who loves to train and lift heavy bc it is an outlet for the anger that I let define me more often than I should. But I’ve learned as much under the bar as I have anywhere else, even in school,  because barbells never lie. They will not flatter you and tell you that you look great or that everything will be ok. They are always 100%  honest with you and will let you know if you haven’t put in the work. If you haven’t, they will crush and humble you quickly. Barbells never say “nothing is wrong" or " I'm fine”. For that I am grateful. 

 I am someone who gives my all to things and people I think are worth it. I don't believe in half assing anything; have you seen my Sunday meals? I eat because I workout ; I workout because I eat. I'm fat bastard without the infanticide or cannibalism. Luckily my body has an innate ability to repartition poor macronutrients into BOOMSAUCE. In fairness I work my ass off too. 

I am self motivated and driven by something deep inside me that I've never been able to put a finger on.... maybe its fear, maybe it's passion, maybe it's passionate fear. I believe what I believe in. Black and white. There is no gray. Coincidentally I'm color blind. I do not expect you to necessarily agree with me but if you can't  present a cogent argument as to why you believe what you do and display some modicum of passion I will mock you....endlessly. The world is too full of half assery. I invent words when I want to and decided a long time ago one could add " 'ing" to anything and make it a verb. Drunken decisioning are usually some of my best. Good beer-ing. Just like that. 

I also have a lot of bad ideas. Some are directed at bad people, who should be picked up by the face then introduced to the pavement ...from a third story window. Others manifest themselves after 17 budweisers and a bottle of rumpleminze, like running over cars, going down a flight of stairs in a shopping cart, or playing keg Donkey Kong. "Hold my beer, watch this" should probably be on my tombstone. I suggest sticking around for the tom foolery likely to ensue whenever you hear that line. It's trite/hackneyed to say "I love to have fun", and it sounds about as philosophical as tony stuttering tony, but it's true. I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't. 

  

I am comfortable in my own skin, even though others may find it abrasive or offensive. At least I am not trying to be someone I'm not or doing the "fake fun, phony friend" bullshit. More than anything I am just a tragically flawed man who tries his best every day, and often worries that it is not good enough.  Maybe time will tell you , why I got so much hell to sell you,  but please understand me bc you can't just dance around me. 

 

 

Remeberance

I was working third shift that fateful Tuesday morning. Ironically it was one of those September days only someone from the north east could truly appreciate. You see as August turns into September most people in the area accept that as summer coming to an end. The days are noticeably shorter/colder, the kids are back in school, and the weekends are dominated by dreams of October baseball as well as the start of football. The leaves have not yet begun to turn, but the change in the air is palpable. Just as we are resigned to those facts we inevitably get one or two days that remind us of July. A day of brilliant sunshine and gentle zephyrs that force us to scramble for one more round of golf, one more day at the beach/pool, or to call in sick to work to do these things. That Tuesday was one of those days. The sun hung high. The mercury rose even early in the morning. I considered playing golf and ducked out of work at 7AM in order to do so. Unable to convince anyone to bang in to work ,I stopped at McDonalds, grabbed a handful of breakfast burritos and hash browns then headed home.



I began channel surfing and happened to skip over CNN around quarter to nine as they switched to live coverage in NYC about an “accident” involving a place and the WTC. I remember Paula Zahn discussing what she could see from CNN HQ and when they finally put a camera on the WTC I only had one thought in my mind…..there was no way that was an accident. The plane didn’t clip the WTC, or hit the antenna, it was dead in the middle of it. I have always been a cynic, and refused to believe that what the world was now seeing could have been anything but deliberate.



Shortly thereafter cameras captured the second plane crashing in to the second tower. The silence on the broadcast was deafening. My heart sunk. Selfishly I began to think about my friends who worked in and around NYC. I tried calling them to see if they were safe but couldn’t get through. Nothing but a busy signal. It was now even more evident that the United States was under attack in the most vile and despicable way imaginable. My brother called me and asked what I knew bc he was only hearing rumors at work. He was working at the Prudential building in Boston at the time and I told him if I were him I would get the hell out there. That this was no mistake. That there seemed to be a plot in place to hijack planes and crash them in to tall buildings. The call only lasted a minute or two but I couldn’t help but think how many other people must be having similar conversations…..sadder still how many people were never given the chance to.



As the day’s events continued to unfold the news broke about another plane crashing in to the Pentagon , another in Shanksville PA, and ultimately millions of us watched in abject horror as the twin Towers collapsed. I couldn’t help but jump to the conclusion that some Islamic jihadist must be behind all this. That bw “their” previous attempt to blow up the WTC , the embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya, only “they” would sink to this level of depravity. It must be their fault I thought; those radicals in the Middle East.



In history the middle east if often referred to as the cradle of civilization. I respectfully disagree. The only thing accurate about that contention is that many parts of the middle east are very much like an infant. A penchant for temper tantrums, an inability to form rational thoughts or put together a cogent argument. Not in any way self reliant, but rather reliant upon the politics of fear and hate mongering. For many the only message they spew is hate/intolerance; the only language they understand is violence. On 11 September 2001 “they” made this pronouncement to the world and in so doing thought they could break America, but they were wrong.



While America’s loss was tremendous that day; our resolve was greater. Whether those that hate us will ever realize it or not, America is the single greatest country on earth unified by a common bond and desire to be the best, the last best hope of man on Earth. America is benevolent beyond measure. Whenever tragedy strikes, who is there? Who leads the battle against man kinds terrible afflictions such as cancer and HIV? What country does more for the well being of others across the globe? Who led the charge on the beaches of Normandy and Okinawa to rid the world of brutal despots? Flying planes in to buildings will not and cannot change that. America continues to shine as a beacon of freedom and hope for the rest of the world. And no amount of hatred, no matter how it manifests itself, will ever change that. GOD BLESS AMERICA

Demons

You can never out run your demons. You're not fast enough. Ironically they're every bit as fast as you, no slower. No faster. Just quick enough to keep pace and be in your face just when you think you've won. This revelation only came to me after a tireless night resurrected demons of mine from a galaxy far, far, away and a time darker than a black hole; enveloping everything so that light/hope couldn't even escape.

It had been some time since I had battled said demons and I couldn’t help but ask why they had rallied. I searched for answers but none were forthcoming. Then it hit me like a swift kick to the nuts....our demons are there to test us. To keep us honest and even to motivate us. They can absolutely bring out the very best or the very worst in us. I know in my heart that no one I love has ever seen the very worst of me; a part of me I loathe to admit exists. The anger and rage is always there , boiling just beneath the surface like a certain doctor exposed to too many gamma rays, and while that isn’t the case for us all demons manifest themselves in a litany of different ways for each one of us. For some it's an addiction to drinking, drugs or even food, some its anxiety or self doubt, others it’s an ability to believe they are deserving of love or able to accept it, then there are those amongst us who are haunted by a touch of all the aforementioned things sprinkled in with a dash of really dark personal times. I have found the most constructive choice one can make is to use the demons as motivation. To "transform and transmogrify" yourself in to the polar opposite of what our demons would have us believe we are, because fuck them, that’s why. They tell you that you're weak; work until you are the hulk. They tell you that you are undeserving; devote your life to being a loyal friend, good husband or wife, a caring parent/uncle/aunt. They tell you are that you're not worthy of love, continue to cultivate that love for those around you who are deserving and one day someone will overwhelm you with a huge heart of their own that they are willing to give to you, one that will turn on a light inside you , that you thought was forever extinguished.

The truth is we all battle demons and we are all at least a little bit fucked up so stop beating yourself up for it or thinking you’re the only one. Anyone that would have you believe otherwise is either a liar or never took a chance in their life. That person you admire for "having it all together" doesn't, trust me, no one does. Appearance isn't always reality, and using myself as an example, if you think I have it together well then (insert Kramer voice) you're waaaayyy off. Truth is most days I'm one step away from cutting my fuckin ear off, but I can admit that and knowing who you are is invaluable. I will admit there is safety in never taking chances. You'll never get hurt, emotionally or physically, but you'll never really live either. And while demons may test or torture your soul, an isolated and insulated existence deadens it. What you must do is stare them dead in the eye, for demons are no different than the play ground bully. They cannot win a confrontation, but they will indefinitely chase, so choose confrontation. Besides we all know how much I like to run.

Look into my eyes, its where my demons hide….and I am stronger for it